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Social distancing a big hit

Seagulls have been practicing social distancing for some time, either due to avian flu or for being sent to sit elsewhere in time outs by their moms for fighting..
The new phrase is social distancing, and it is proving to be extremely popular with the outbreak of the COVID-19 virus.

Paul, an African-American noted, "This is great! Now everybody avoids everybody, not just black people like me." John, a freelancer, said, "Since everybody's got a mask on, its so easy to possibly rob a possible bank or something. Who the fuck is this CDC that says masks aren’t effective?" Meanwhile, Elizabeth, a sex worker, had a differing view. "Now all the johns want to use these giant extensions. I'm getting really chapped and I don't mean emotionally."

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Elton begins farewell tour

Sir Elton begins his tour in costume.
Bodmin Moor, Wales – After over 80 years in the limelight, singer-songwriter Elton John is calling it a day. 'I've worn out my last piano. This is finally it', he noted. The first leg will include the thrift shops and theatrical supply houses that provided his array of flash costumes over the decades. Sir Elton noted 'Since I stole most of them, it's only fair I return them now'.

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March Madness!!!

It's that time of of year again for hoops and brackets and flinging money around on teams you know nothing about. We'll give your our top pick straight out:

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Donald Trump to run as a Democrat

Proposed mascot for the Republicrats.
The rumors have been confirmed. In 2020 Donald Trump plans to run as the Democratic candidate for President.

"It's only logical", as Sandy Sandersen, Trump's latest press secretary, explained to the remaining newspaper reporter who still attends her briefings.

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Cthulhu caught off the Miami coast

Catch of the day -- Cthulhu!
In what could surely be the biggest fish story ever, a shrimp boat out of Key West which was trawling off the Miami coast hauled up Cthulhu, who was apparently dreaming and not paying attention to where it was going. The surprised fishermen immediately notified the Coast Guard, just as they would for anything weird that seemed to be trying to slip in from Cuba.

ICE gets involved
The Coast Guard was out of its depth, however. Cthulhu is not a U.S. citizen and hence would be classed as an illegal immigrant. Consequently, the Coast Guard summoned ICE to take care of the problem.

(Read More...)

Over to you, Tom

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