User:XXXXX/Mister Manners

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Hello! I'm Mr. Manners! Miss Manners got run over by a car. The driver says he was bribed with a gumball by a guy with an unpronounceable name made out of the letter x five times. But I digress. I'm here to answer manners questions while she's away. Here's my advice in the polite arts.

A person who claims to be human asks...

Dear Ms. Manners, I'm throwing a dinner party. Should I serve food?

Mr. Manners replies...

Get the crap out of your eyes. It's Mr. Manners, not Ms.

I suggest you serve food, but shove it down the chimney so you can poison the food with chimney soot. You can't get arrested for serving food badly, so it's a great way to kill your annoying neighbors.

Whiskey drinker asks...

Is it polite to be impolite?

Mr. Manners replies...

Is it polite to punch you in the face? My butt itches.


Is it polite to talk about my cousins in jail during a happyness convention?

Ms. Manners replies...

I'm out of the hospital! I can finally answer the questions in this corrupted column! Hey! What are you doing to my neck?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Mr. Manners replies...

It's perfectly polite. You'll have all the ladies. You'll be handed 1-Million dollars by a man with a big check. You'll be given admin rights on Illogicopedia. And is that not all that matters?

Blahblah8067 asks...

Which came first? The chicken or the egg? And is it polite to shoot myself during a Christmas party?

Mr. Manners replies...

I'd say the chicken did, but than it went to the Bar Before Time and got drunk. This contaminated the chicken gene pool, and the gene was passed on to every chicken after that, which is why they act crazy and are so ignorant that they don't know their heads will get chopped off next month. As to the suicide, I'd say if you do it in the bathroom, it's okay. But than again, no one wants to excrete waste with a dead body sitting on the toilet, so I woulodn't do it at all.

Blablah8067's friends lament...

Too late. Got any air freshener?

Mr. Manners replies...

Shucks, I'm all out, but at least that's the only thing that troubles you. Enjoy the party!


If you're throwing a party, and you don't want to invite your best friend because he got some mustard on your iPod, and you told your friend very blatantly that you won't invite him, what do you do afterwards?

Mr. Manners replies...

Let him down [into a deep pit] easy.

Glue asks

How do I break up with my girlfriend?

Mr. Manners replies

The same way you break up a glass window. Pick it up and shatter it. If you meant "break up" as in "to discontinue relationship," than I recommend the same.

Concerned asks

What happened to Ms. Manners? Will she be okay? When will she be back?

Mr. Manners replies

I'm sure she'll be back soon, and that she'll return with health and etiquette!

Ms. Manners replies

Someone help me! Agh!!

Mr. Manners replies

Shut up, you!

Want to ask a question? Do it, but you'll be dubbed insane-r than you were originally. Kalamari. Muahahaha. Are you going to ask a question? Why would you? Because you can? Great answer.