User:Some WHAT!? number two/The Epic

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Once upon a time there was...














a cake[edit]

Yeah, a cake. And it was in a THINGY.

A voice was audible. "Quack," it said. Guess who?

Yep, Silent Penguin. And he was hungry for cake.

So Seppy took it out of the thingy and ate it.

It was delicious. It was chocolate with little chunks of fish in it. That's why Seppy liked it so much.

Ooh, avant-garde![1][edit]

Now we shall make a journey into Seppy's penguin stomach, where there was lots of cake being dissolved by stomach acid. Next, we will proceed into a molecule of stomach acid, and find a single atom of chlorine within it. In this atom lives a happy little man known as Nerd42, who just hangs around in the atom, completely oblivious to what is going on around him. Then he sits in this little wooden armchair and taps his fingers. Then a guitar falls into his lap. He picks it up and gives it a good strum. He doesn't put the fingers on the frets or anything -- just strums it. He is satisfied, and strums as loudly as he can, while singing random notes as well. "Wow, I'm a pro," he says, and then he continues happily on with his happy life.

Now we leave the little man behind and zoom back out again, finding that Seppy is waking up early in the morning the next day.

Seppy wakes up[edit]

Seppy lay on the concrete, snoring. He had been trying to find his way back to Antarctica. The sun rose and Seppy slowly woke up. He didn't feel that well.

Wait, I thought Seppy was dead.[edit]

That happened in the Penglish uprising. But this story takes place BEFORE the Penglish uprising!

Oh, I get it.[edit]

So anyway, Seppy wasn' t feeling that well, so he went to see his doctor, Dr. Woodenweed.

"Quackmahkawakwap," he said.

"Oh? Let me see..."'

After further investigation, Dr. Woodenweed found out Seppy had hindleyitis. He recommended a medicine and a prescription was filled out.

So later that day Seppy went to the pharmacy. The pharmacist, Testostereich, took one goo look at Seppy before proscribing him with a prostate examination; which Testicles adminsitered himself. It was only after the half hour long probe that the real doctor entered the room. Seppy sighed. It hadn't been a very good start to his adventure, not only had he been rectally explored by a depraved set of lovespuds, but there was no self-promoting vanity to promote this.

Seppy tried to hit the narrator for this misdeed, which proved hard seeing as Seppy was the narrator. His arm was now throbbing and his eyes were dangerously narrow.

More avant-garde[2][edit]

We go once again into Seppy's now sick stomach, and find the same molecule of hydrochloric acid as before. Going into the chlorine atom, we find our little man, Nerd42, has been dancing around in circles. Suddenly he stops dancing and seeks for his purpose in life. He finds out he doesn't have one and is severely depressed.

What can this mean? He was such a happy little man before. Will this have an effect on Seppy? To find out, we now proceed out of Seppy's stomach and continue on with the story.

Seppy hallucinates[edit]

But he doesn't hallucinate that a wall vanished and go crashing into it, or anything like that. He is very sick, and so he sees the town as being dark and grey. However, he sees a bright light coming from the woods outside of town.

He walks toward the bright light, leaving town. He makes his way through the woods. However, the light does not appear to get any closer as he walks toward it. He ends up deep into the forest; however he thinks the bright light might be getting a little bit closer. He collapses from exhaustion and the hallucination becomes a dream.

Seppy's dream[edit]

He dreams he is still walking toward the bright light, and then he reaches it. He walks right into it and he is in Antarctica. But something is different... where are all the penguins?

He finds they have all been eaten by his worst nightmare -- a leopard seal the size of an eighteen-wheeler. As it lunges at him, Seppy realizes he has hindleyitis and is too exhausted to run away. Then he wakes up.

The tribal dudes[edit]

Seppy found himself in the middle of a forest. Suddenly, this tribal warrior approached him and said, "Makílayushéti!"

"Quack," said Seppy.

"Pi le kasayalkawi ni gal glan![3]" said the tribal dude. More warriors came fallowing him.

"Quackmahkawakwap," said Seppy weakly. "Quackwapwap?"

"Kasayalkawi e gwal,[4]" said a tribal dude who looked like the chief to Seppy. "Kasayalkawi munal relna.[5]" Then he turned to Seppy and said, "Pi e Asema, hut me telem. Pi pis em pasinas utmala em kyu.[6]"

Chief Asema made a tribal call through the woods. Out came a man with no spear, just a bag. Asema said to Seppy, "Kyumi ni kyu em utmala em kyu.[7]"

"Waaaap," said Seppy.

So Seppy stayed with Asema until he was healed by the healer guy. He used a bunch of plants that could be found in the woods to soothe Seppy's arm that was hurt from when he tried to hit himself, and make liquid medicine for Seppy to drink. The liquid was successful in curing his hindleyitis, and Seppy said "quack" and went off to look for Antarctica.

Well, he didn't actually look for Antarctica. He looked for a train so he could ride it to Antarctica.

You can't ride a train to Antarctica.[edit]

Well, in that case, he was trying to ride the train as close as possible to Antarctica and then swim through the ocean to get there.

Seppy tries to get a ticket[edit]

So he went to a ticket booth at a train station to buy tickets. He got in line, and the man in front of him said, "Excuse me, there's a penguin behind me."

"BEAT IT!" he yelled at Seppy.

Seppy considered getting out a sack of pence and smacking him over the head with it. However, he saw a policeman nearby and decided to try to explain. "Quackwapmapackpacackwapwap," he said to the man.

"I said, shoo!" the man yelled.

Seppy decided that he would just go without a ticket and stow away on the train.

So he ran off to find the train.

Penguin on a Train[edit]

Penguin Stows Away[edit]

Seppy decided to do what penguins do best. He found a large hill near the train tracks and slid down on his belly. The train was leaving the station, and he caught onto the back car of the train just in time and clambered up.

He went in and tried to find a seat. That was very stupid of him, because a woman was walking in the isle.

"Quack," said Seppy.

"THERE'S A PENGUIN ON THIS TRAIN!" the woman screamed.

Penguin on a TRAIN!

Dunt, dunt, dunt, da dunt, dunt, dunt, da

Penguin on a TRAIN!

Seppy hid in the bathroom. It was the first place he could think of.

The conductor came in, and asked what the woman was making a fuss about, and why she had started all this trouble over an imaginary penguin.

"I swear I saw a penguin walking in this aisle!" the woman said.

"Don't be ridiculous. There aren't any penguins in Russell, Minnesota!"

Route of the Penguin[edit]

He got on at Russell, Minnesota. He rode the train all the way to Panama. Then he went out and swam to meet some Galapagos penguins.

Journey to the Galapagos[edit]

Galapagos penguins have a different culture than those of Antartica. However, they are friendly to the many foreigners they see, so when Seppy arrived, he was greeted well. He stayed on the Galapagos islands for a while, and then the Galapagos penguins showed him a current that went home to Antarctica.

Avant-garde continued[edit]

Down in that atom in Seppy's stomach, Nerd42 realizes he in the Galapagos, and stops pondering his purpose in life. He parties and dances in Seppy's stomach.


  1. Advice for the reader: Read slowly and let the imagery sink in, even though you may feel a need to get through the paragraph
  2. same as #1
  3. Translation: Me see penguin who hold stomach.
  4. Translation: Penguin be sick.
  5. Translation: Penguin need help.
  6. Translation: Me be Asema, chief of tribe. Me give you protection until you heal.
  7. Translation: Healer who heal you until you heal.