User:Lyra Belaqua/Continuum

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Backward[edit]

There is a Continuum somewhere around here, in the city of Uum. Members of the Continuum were subjected to various types of nonexistent feelings when they crossed the border into the Continuum, which didn't happen. The city center that was never built goes perfectly with the government buildings that aren't real, which really underscored the need for resident apartment buildings. The proposal before the Continuum Congress failed as it never happened, in addition to the fact that there was no Congress.

Foreward[edit]

The Continuum is a marvelously yellow and orange place where wiki formatting doesn't apply. If you are a member of the Continuum then you have to wear a helmet with a "<nowiki>" on one side and a ""</nowiki> on the other. As time wears off you won't have to wear the helmet anymore if you just think happy thoughts and go jump off a cliff. Speedy, speedy end.

Sideways[edit]

Once upon a time there was a Continuum of amazing purple fish-beings, which didn't have very nice diplomatic relationships with the United States of America. However, when Bush came to power, it was said that "from then on the human being and the fish could coexist peacefully."

Leftways[edit]

The Leader of the continuum fish-beings (purple fish) was a purple fish named Penguin. But he learned through America that penguins eat fish, so he changed his name to Nonviolent Penguin but when he learned penguins had become extinct he changed it slightly back to Vegetarian Last-of-the Penguins. He was told then that there were no more penguins so he changed it completely to Edward the Great. And everyfish was content.

Rightways[edit]

But as time wore off, the Continuum began to change colors from yellow and orange to eggshell and burnt-striped-oak-red, which made the fish on the outskirts of the nonexistent continuum town very angry at their lives. They complained to the King, no Lord Edward the Great about this travesty but Edward had already changed his name so they couldn't find him. So the Outskirts Fish formed an armed militia and began romping around the outskirts not really doing anything but frightening small tadpoles (where did the tadpoles come from? no one knows) until they came upon a magical bridge. Under the bridge was a river made of orangy goodness and the air was made of cheese yellowy goodness.

Upways[edit]

So they drank and breathed heartily until the second in command broke ranks and betrayed them to Lord (now) Edward the Penguin (not), who suprisingly rode off on his horse (where did the horse come from? it's a unicorn really) and tried to stop the armed milita with his bare hands. Unluckily, he simply drowned in the river. The armed milita then poured some yellowy goodness on his corpse and sent it away to the real world. "Oh right." they said. "This is the real world." (Or maybe it isn't)

Downways[edit]

Flirting with danger was a habit of the walls of the continuum, as sometimes they were a safe yellow but decided to turn a daring green one day. The new King Carlos the Jackal sent his army of wolverines (yes, friggin wolverines) to eat out the flesh of the walls. The wolverines (yes, friggin wolverines) were disheartened when they learned that the walls had no flesh, but were even more disappointed when they came to the edge of the continuum to find there weren't any walls in the first place.

Main Story[edit]

The King of the Mountainous Region of the Continuum was named Howard Vladimir Dean. King Vladimir was the King of the Woolly Mammoths (where did the woolly mammoths come from? read on) and of the Great White Sky. The continuum though yellow and orange was also white upways. It was white upways, rainbow downways, orange rightways and yellow leftways. Who knows what it was sideways.

Part Two[edit]

Let's face it. I've already had Part One.

So King Vladimir ordered a non-invasion of the land west of the Mountainous Region. All the woolly mammoths rose up and didn't protest this violation of their uncivil liberties. The Great White Sky turned eggshell for a moment, but subsided in its fit of anger. King Vladimir knew he had hit a pockmark, so he gave up the Throne to a woolly mammoth that had come from Antarctica in the days of the Little People.

The new King Woollymammoth changed his name immediately to something a little less species-revealing. Lord Woollymammoth then ordered the Sky to turn Turquoise. When it flat-out refused, the purple fish tried to defeat its large army of fog but came within two miles of it, and stopped trying.

Why would the author put the Table of Contents at the end? There's something to think about as you now will search for the city of Uum...