“Mattress Racing, the common pastime for the modern man!”
~ Lord Byron
Many people have probably divulged in a little mattress racing from time to time, and it now stands as a pillar of the community within the known universe as something to do when one is bored, hyper and/or suicidal.
The origins of Mattress Racing
Founded by the homosapiens just after the dinosaurs all died out, as one sprightly homosapien rolled over in bed and fell out of his cave, down a mountain, into a river and then off niagara falls. Since then it has been a jolly pastime for those young and old, and it is believed that it has been used by the likes of George W Bush and Carol Vorderman as they were growing up.
The rules are very simple. First one must take one's mattress and remove all bedding/toys/prostitutes from it and drag it to the top of the nearest mountain. Ones most commonly used are Mt. Killamanwithamattress and Mt. Minesbiggerthanyours. Then the mattress must be mounted by the player, and then pushed off the edge. The person alive/untraumatised/undismembered at the end of the mountain has won. For little people (i.e. young children, midgets, Jade Goody) this can be attempted from placing the mattress at the top of the stairs, and it has the same effect, although not quite as adrenaline-pumping, especially if you live in a flat.
Now I know all you devoted mattress-ees out there wouldn't DARE cheat at such a classy and obviously legendary game but...
- Strap a home made rocket booster to the bottom of your mattress. A firework/flatulent uncle will have the same effect.
- Use George W Bush/Anthea Turner as a 'dead weight' for your mattress
- Attach wheels to the bottom of your mattress, so that it glides around as if on air.
Dick Darstedly and Muttley were big fans of the ol' mattress racing, they even attached hot air balloons and teleporters to their mattresses but alas! soon they ran out of hair brained schemes after being beaten by Penelope Pitstop one too many times.
NB This should not be attempted by diabectics, those who are breast-feeding, those who are being breast fed, asthmatics, Jordan, kittens, fish, megalomaniacs, Tony Blair and those allergic to mountains, nuts, faeces, frogs and semen.
Ultra Super Mega Mattress Racing
Ordinary mattress racing a bit too flaccid? Need a bit of extreme adrenalin? Tired of the cushy protection of a mattress? Then THIS is for YOU. This doesnt actually involve a mattress but the principle is still there. A bin liner is tied around the players waist like a giant nappy and the player is violently thrown out of a plane that glides roughly 200 metres above the top of the mountain. The player must then use their bin liner to their advantage as they sail through the sky at ridiculously fast speeds towards the mountain, and then slide down the cliff faces on their butts. The winner of this high speed adrenalin rush is the survivor at the end, or the person who lived the longest. Gordon Freeman,Chuck Norris and Jenna Jameson are the only known people to survive this.