Uilii bin Laden

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Uilii bin Laden is yet another radicalised member of the wealthy Saudi bin Laden family.

Arriving in Britain and having customs inspectors laugh at him while examining his passport, bin Laden discovered that wheelie bins were the standard home garbage containers in the nation. Infuriated, he applied to local councils to have the container name changed but to no avail. He was further insulted whilst wearing a green outfit, when some nearsighted woman tried to stuff a kitten down his throat. While binning a cat is considered to be a normal and natural thing in the UK in some corners, bin Laden was further enraged and left the country.

He is now in a secret stronghold in Lahore, Pakistan, at 1223 Muzzarafah Road, the pink house next to the 7-11 and not the one with the low wall, you can't miss it, according to his Facebook page. Wheelie bin Laden has declared jihad against Twickenham, Hounslow, Longford and their surrounding areas, as far as he had gotten before leaving the UK. As such, PM Boris Johnson has declared the area expendable and residents are allowed to move out or not as they please, either in terror-filled panic or the more standard drag-your-feet style.