Super Porcupine Omelette
Plot? Ha! What plot! Hee, hey Gary they thought there was a plot (Sound of a dead liama probably named Gary laughing mockingly, at the reader, the REE_DDEERR, that means you!)
Jin is a 1980s throwback with a secret. All his girlfriends have fallen victim to his hideous curse of Penguin-Lycanthropy. However, recently Jin has found a girlfriend named Jasmine who does not seem to awaken the beast in him due to her excessive penguin-tamalisciouss make-up and big strawberry whip.
While taking the bus back to his apartment, Jin is met by two people, his childhood friend turned contract killer Aaron, and FBI agent and part time custard chef Louis Dehoven. The latter orders the two off the bus and into an abandoned building, where he expresses a desire to kill the two, who Louis says are monsters that have been taking notes of his actions under his bed after &:35 p.m.
Jin easily overcomes Louis, trapping him under a fallen roof and exit the building, only to be surrounded by a gang of vicious clowns and mimes who are enraged by the annual induvidualist german ass-scratching festival going on two blocks away!
It is then that Jin and Aaron discover each other's abilities when Jin transforms into his werepenguin form, and Aaron reveals that he can turn to sentient stone that releases the fragrance of Jasmine at a steady rate of puffs (whilst a small boy follows him and counts the number of puffs he has!)
It is then that Pennywise himself faces Jin and Aaron, only to introduce their true opponent, Chuck Norris! OH SHOITE RUN LIKE FORK!!!
Fortunately for our heroes, Chuck's contract momentarily expires, leaving Pennywise for Aaron to defeat. On Pennywise's person, Jin and Aaron discover a pamphlet concerning Crigta, an evil foreign chrst and his horde of the dead, next to a pamphlet for cheap back-street abortions. Jin and Aaron are then confronted by the Russian Valkerie-dressed woman Volga who begins to talk to the duo, before Dehoven returns, with more clowns and amish horses, on a herd of bulls! After he is stopped in his tracks by the trio, he proclaims that he will cleanse the world of nonbelievers using innocent blood and a pinch of salt aswell as hard malt liquor. Jin deduces Dehoven means his girlfriend Jasmine, who also release the fragrance of Jasmine.
As Dehoven leaves, Norris returns, and is momentarily subdued by a random crotch kick encounter with Jean-Claude Van Damme, who kisses Volga and changes her from a fat Russian woman to a gorgeous Asian before crushing Batman's head between her thighs.
Volga drives the protagonists in a spacecraft (like as slow as an old blind grandma with no limbs would comandeer a shopping trolley) to Venus to begin training by fighting tentacle monsters with hurt feelings, only to again be confronted by the red-headed cowboy!
Meanwhile Dehoven returns to Uranus where Crigta lies dormant to plot his next move. Facing, his Big Boss and five other yet unnamed lackies (one is killed).
Jin Aaron and Volga face off with Chuck Norris, admitting he turned evil "Because he can do whatever he damn well pleases". Aaron, however reveals his secret weapon, a Blue-Haired cloned figure of Bruce Lee! The figure of Lee enlarges and easily defeats Chuck for good, kicking his skull in! Lee's fate is yet left open.
Later on Venus, Jin stumbles upon the cemetary of an Earth colony on Venus. He sees one tombstone belongs to none other than Marlon Brando! Jin mentions that defeating Dehoven's horde of the dead would be easier with Colonel Kurtz's help. So Volga resurrects Brando, along with an army of zombie Cambodians. These are soon followed by the arrival of a group of helpful doomtroopers loyal to Brando.
Jin learns from his mother that not only was he supposed to buy groceries, but that Brando may not be as good as he seems! This is made more apparent when Brando injects then with thermonuclear timebombs and forces them to infiltrate Uranus alone whilst Brando's army takes care of Crigta's footsoldiers.
Once inside the thick inner core of Uranus, Jin and Aaron find the holding cells where Jasmine and the other innocent virgin blood sacrifices are being kept. Including Jasmine's cellmate, Celina, who uses her powers of suction to remove the exploding devices.
Dehoven arrives with more troopers and takes the sacrifices away, leaving Aaron and Jin to face off with more assassins. One of whom kills Aaron (really only a rock clone).
Trying desperately to find inspiration in the past, Jin thinks back to his training with Master Jack Baytes, who attempted to teach him penguin martial arts. Only just passing him as his worst student.
As it turns out, Baytes was following his worst student out of guilt for not properly teaching him the skills necessary for combat. He arrives just in time to save Jin from the assassins. They escape after killing one and run to find Jasmine, only to be stopped by guards wielding a microwave device, who wound Jin and Baytes, the latter a fatal wound.
Aaron knocks the guards away, both him and Jin witness Baytes' dying words, and with his last act gives them another piece of the map to Crigta, a map of Mars! They then rough up a wounded guard who tells them Jasmine's location.
Back down the corrider, Baytes reappears from the netherworld and possesses Melvin, another guard.
Jin and Aaron escape to Mars in a rusty cruiser, where they meet the AI program Celest.
Back on a ship hovering above Uranus; Brando, seeing Jin and Aaron's lifesigns have disappeared he orders Captain Nguyen to head another assault force in Uranus's crust.
It is learned that Brando may be Big Boss's long lost brother. And it is discovered that Crigta rests on Jupiter while Big Boss makes his base on Europa.
Brando penetrates Big Boss's forces, only to hear from Boss's own soldier that Crigta does not reside on Uranus. Later Brando is presented with Aaron's (clones') "corpse".
Jin, Aaron, and Celeste land on Mars trying to possibly find what is located at the blue X on Baytes' map. Instead, they find a mysterious, seemingly scatterbrained young woman sleeping in a straightjacket with a golden spatula. She introduces herself as Poogie from California and speaks of wanting to "delete her post". Jin and Aaron believe she works for Crigta.
Meanwhile, Brando and Co. find plumbing problems on the Uranus base and attempts to bring a foursome of penguins back to the planet to help. Fortunately for Jin's company the penguins also make their home on Mars, and as Brando's transport ship picks up the penguins our heroes also leave in it. Celeste manages to hotwire the craft to send them back to Earth, to a bar in Cleveland Ohio.
Brando, hoping to find reinforcements thinking Jin and Aaron are dead follows the penguins back to Earth. On the trip he finds Louis Dehoven along with Dosu Kinuta and Dale Gribble transporting Jasmine, Celina, and the others to be sacrificed. He docks the ship and rescues the quint, killing Dosu in the process, threatening Louis Dehoven (and, to a lesser extent, Dale) with death if he should continue his mad quest to resurrect Crigta. Brando takes a few side-trips back to the sacrifices' home planets and drops them off. Jasmine volunteers to stay hoping to avenge her lover's death, or, perhaps knowing he's still alive!
Back in Cleveland, after a small altercation with a horde of Drew Carey clones, Jin sees Brando's ships hovering above Cleveland and follows them to an airport where all parties (sans Jasmine) meet. In the confusion with Brando discovering Jin and Aaron alive, Baytes accidently reveals his temporary vessel in Nguyen after telling Jin about his part of the map.
Brando orders his soldiers to chase after Jin, Aaron, Poogie, and Celeste. The Cambodians, however, forget to chase their former captain (Baytes), who is recaptured by Brando and taken back to Uranus.
Running back to the bar, Jin, Aaron, Poogie, and Celeste find who else but Jasmine waiting for them! Jasmine uses a device in a bathroom stall to transport all them back to Uranus, where she praises Brando. She then tells how she was rescued by Brando and how she says Brando wishes to destroy Crigta, a nuclear warhead down the summoning pit. However, they have a time limit before the still-unseen Jelly Juggernauts grow too powerful to ignore and the missile has to be wasted on them.
When disco zombies fail to destroy Jin and the rest, Jasmine uses a strange weapon named the soul-cracker (doing exactly as the name suggests, perhaps the Mars weapon?) to destroy them, much to the chagrin of the Evil Table. In response they send to the Horde of the Dead's aid an army of sentient flying hands to kill them. To our heroes surprised, they are saved by Master Baytes who tames the hands, and kills the semi-leader.
Brando enters and begins to tell the others of how he never wanted Jin to die saying he read of Jin and Aaron and thought they owuld make excellent agents. Brando says the reason for the anominity between he and Baytes is due to their reasons for wanting to beat Crigta. (Baytes wants to save the world and have it return to normal while Brando wants to bring new order).
As the story ends and the heroes begin to move out, they are stopped by Chuck Norris, returning as a zombie to kill Nguyen (Baytes' soul flies out and possesses Celeste), and greiviously injures Brando.
As zombie Leon and still-living Jackal arrive standing off with the protagonists. Brando tells Jin, Volga, and Baytes some inspiring words. With a newfound respect for Brando in mind, Jin does the impossible, giving Norris a face full of his own signature move! Volga kills Leon, and Aaron subdues Jackal
As the group proceeds farther down into Uranus, they are met by the least likely enemy of all, Crigta himself, accompanied by Dehoven and the last remaining clown gang!
Dehoven tells Jin and the others that Crigta wants Marlon's body, and they begin fighting. To our surprise, they easily beat the duo of main villains and order them back to the spot Brando lay dead.
Again, to our surprise, Brando lives again, saying he was only napping. He orders Dehoven and Crigta to be chained to the wall and spanked with the golden spatula Poogie carries. She obeys, and the resulting current of pain and pleasure send her back and deletes her post.
Brando then explains to the surprised crew the reason for Crigta's appearence and lack of power. While he transported the virgins back to their homeworlds, he took a second or two to first travel to the sacrificial area and vandalize the ritual by tricking three Jelly Juggernauts into the Crigta Pit, and then proceeding to drop in a porcupine and an omelette. Because of the only partial resurrection, Crigta is nearly without power and intellect.
With Crigta apparently defeated, all that is left to do is destroy Big Boss. Before they can properly plan, The Jackal returns to shoot Crigta and Dehoven down from their restraints
Brando tells the crew of his ship of the Europan history, as it seems, the Europans were once an advanced, flourishing society until the Jelly Juggernauts took over and forced them into a repressive order. Also that wherever Big Boss's Bunker may be located he is still preparing to summon Crigta.
This is not, however, what is really happening, as Big Boss promptly annihilates Crigta and punishes Jackal, Dale, and Dehoven.
The atmosphere of Europa gets to Jin, and he begins a hallucination where he is back in high school where familiar reporter Karol Kolchak tells him of the location of the Boss's Bunker, on a rocky, unpopulated area of Europa.
Our heroes find the Bunker, only to be confronted by the vampire with the golden gun himself, Fransisco Scaramanga! As Jupiter sets (?!?) Jin becomes werepenguin again and begins to duel with his semi-rival, managing to regain just enough humanity and penguinity to gain the upper hand and beak Fransisco to death.
The Jin Squad's next obstacle is "Master Hand" the hand of Fate, who guards the entrance to Big Boss's throne and is not very willing to give up control of his armies to Baytes. By working together, Aaron manages to crush the deadly glove in rock-form while the others restrain it's fingers. The protagonists enter the bunker, to find Big Boss and all his living minions waiting to fight. To our hopeful surprise, Big Boss reveals himself as Donald Pleasence! The Table of Evil seperate Brando form the rest, forming a laser-arena around him and Pleasence, while Dehoven, Jackal, Bunji, Wikipe-Tan (and reluctantly Dale) stand off with Jin, Aaron, Jasmine, Celeste/Baytes, and Volga.
And they fight. Both parties armies of red-shirted zombies of various origin emerge on the scene, Evil Table's laser-arena falls, it is a massacre for both sides although most "named" figures remain. The rumble comes to a temporary cease-fire however, when we notice a HUGE jello cluster hurtling towards the battlefield!
It looks as though now the prophecy truly will be fulfilled as the 12 moons of Europa turn red. Underground, Crigta-worshipper Ashthecat and Orgy-Master Menard attempt the innocent blood ritual.
But just as all hope seems lost Brando's great spy Odinn7 emerges hockey'ing with the cavalry from the shadows! Odinn7 passes an arcane key to Brando and tells him to take it to the inner complex.
The protagonists (sans Odinn 7) go down an elevator, traveling down a tube which takes them from an underground ocean to a secret cave (perhaps the inner complex itself?) inside Europa.
On their way, the red shirters absorb some of the alien jelly as more of the red bombs continue to fall. As a result the soldiers become zombies looking to indiscriminately kill those who stand in their way (I guess).
Luckily in the elevator tube Jin & co. find a more welcoming zombie, the long expected zombie-African Trevor (who for some reason Jin and Aaron this time do not notice). Being dejected by all the famous zombie directors, he expresses no desire to eat the groups' brains and instead comes along with them to their destination.
Unfortunately, this destination happens to be in the heart of the Crigta cult, and despite doing their best to blend in with the members (using the unique power of love between Brando and Volga), they are captured.
Meanwhile topside, Donald Prime sees three of the Evil Table are dead (leaving only an unlucky 3-arms, missing half his body, and wimpy Wimp-Lo, who is ironically just fine) and thus hires Bunji, Wikipe-Tan, and Jackal (but not Dale) to fill in for the dead. Then they attempt to question Odinn 7 about the whereabouts of his rivals, and his treacherous former-companion Louis Dehoven. Odinn7, however manages to flee and regroup before his mind is vandalized by Wikipe-Tan.
Now, as Brando is taken into the breeding room to be spoiled by 1000 women for 5 years and the others are captured to be tortured (by a certain movie, ESCAPE FROM HELL) and executed, Odinn 7 rushes to save them with a special doomtrooper brigade. Oppositely, the new table of evil wants to find them for a very different reason...
Poogie meanwhile receives psychotherapy for her misadventures, not to mention the fact that while she was gone a second Poogie mysteriously took her place at Dennis's house. Walking home from her session she receives a mysterious call from the only phone booth in California, telling her that the other Poogie is none other than her evil twin!
In Menard's room, he begins dressing his captives in tight leather to increase the viewing atmosphere of "Bat Pussy". As he starts the tape, his captive break out in horrible screams to his great pleasure, only Jin remains stoic in the face of Bat Pussy. Even in 3-D, Jin resists screaming and even begins to lightly riff the softcore flick! As the others begin to laugh at the film as well, Menard shuts it off in rage and decides to kill his captives instead. they are saved in an unlikely fashion by Bunji, Jackal, and Wimp Lo who shoot Menard up forcing him into his true form! Aaron then jumps in the fray, rescuing his friends and smashing Menard through the floor with his own TV. When Ash bursts in again he is hit with a flurry of bullets from Jackal and Bunji, which only wound him. Aaron knocks Wimp-Lo down and out, then he and Baytes disarm the remaining two and ask them where the big boss is.
Odinn and co. decide to split up to increase their chances of finding Brando and the others. Odinn7 nominates the goatee'd Christian Slater and the young Vomitrag (Bill Paxton) to lead his two squads. As Slater happily agrees and splits off, Vomitrag chickens out and runs away. As he and his group run down a hallway they encounter a grown-up Wikipe-Tan in a sailor suit. Vomitrag unwisely goes in to make out with her, only to be stabbed, revealing that Wikipe-Tan was really Donald Pleasence in disguise! The rest of Vomitrag's division are led back to Odinn7 by Jarrod (Will Smith). Odinn7, having being ambushed by the 3-Armed Evil Table member and one of Wikipe-Tan's hairclips is relieved to see the rest of his crew come to back him up.
Pursued by Donald, Odinn7's brigade march on to Brando's personal torture room, only to be confronted by the bloody Ash. Odinn furiously hits the high-priest with his nutcracker weapon, but Ash is only felled when one of Wikipe-Tan's flying hairclips inadvertantly hits him.
By the time they find him, Odinn and the others see that Donald has already knocked out Clockwork Canary.