Static electricity

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This man will soon find that his wool cloak and fancy silk underwear to be a deadly combination.

Static electricity is one of the deadliest forces in the universe today. More than Gingervitis, more than Attention Deficit Disorder. Even more than the dreaded Rasputin's penis.

So picture yourself wearing that neat cashmere sweater you got for Christmas. You walk to the front door to go out and ZANG! a bolt of electricity shoots out from the doorknob into your hand, temporarily disabling the chip that aliens implanted in your skull. Poor you! As you pick yourself up and have a look at the huge dent you put in the wall when you flew backwards, you may be wondering what happened. That was static electricity! Naturally, you move to the door again and ZAPPO!, it happens again. Obviously, this is fun, so you continue to do this again and again.

Static cling will keep these three together for the rest of their natural lives.

But consider, every time you get zapped, you are killing a brain cell. That's right. So, since you might have about 40 to 50 brain cells at this point in your life, you run the risk of becoming a drooling zombie by doing this too much. Oh well, who needs a brain, anyway? It just gets you in trouble. Plus, being zombie means you get to play Fortnite but play on the other side! Is that just the coolest thing or what? And I hear you get free nachos or something

A less powerful but equally deadly related phenomenon is static cling. This is where you show up at work after your one hour commute with a sock stuck to your back that you won't notice until you go back home. It is one of the subtle ways the universe pwns you, aside from putting monkey hairs with angry monkeys attached in your coffee. But don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Mmph. Really. kkkkgh. Nono, I'm not grmph laughing at you! I mrmph just have chchchch something stuck in my throat.

However, you can avoid all that embarrassment by using those little dryer sheets. You... EAT... them? And it really works so you don't get static cling? Huh. Oh wait. Yeah, I think I remember Bill Nye saying something about that when we were both taking the Tide Pod Challenge.


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