Scandinavia

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If you are having this for lunch, dinner and maybe breakfast, and you are not a cat or Killer whale, you are probably in Scandinavia.

There is an argument on whether only Denmark, Norway and Sweden make up Scandinavia, or if it includes Iceland, Finland, and the Faroe Islands. But it matters not, since nobody know geography anymore and Scandinavia might as well be on Mars.

The following might be helpful to define what Scandinavia is:

  • if you look out a window and see a reindeer, you are probably in Scandinavia. Check your calender, though, it might be Santa.
  • if a smiling old lady offers you lutefisk or lutfisk, you might be in Scandinavia. Therefore it is always useful to carry around a stick or tub of butter with you at all times – you'll need it. But if the lady sits on your chest and holds your mouth open with a crowbar while she spoons in lutefisk, then you are in the American Midwest, probably Minnesota. They are like that there.
  • if you actually eat the lutefisk/lutfisk, then you yourself are a Scandinavian. Nobody else would be so polite; they would just run away.
  • if it's the middle of July and you are walking through snow, you are probably in Scandinavia. If you are lying in the snow after being run over by a car, you are in Russia instead. Unless you noticed it was a Volvo.
  • if nearly everyone around you is blonde and blue-eyed, you are probably in Scandinavia. Either that or you are in the Harajuku district of Tokyo, Japan where they dye their hair and wear colored contacts. Check street signs to tell the difference.
  • if there is a fire and everyone is putting on firefighting equipment and pulling out hoses and axes from their cars, you are in Scandinavia. Nobody else is that practical.
  • if everyone is even-tempered and does not raise their voice unless they are drunk, you are in Scandinavia. Americans are loud all the time, Russians are never not drunk. But you must be very careful on keeping count because 80% of Finns and Icelanders will be drunk.
  • if you are aboard a ship and an iceberg appears, Scandinavians will stop to clean it before going on their way.