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“Alphabetically, Rapture comes before Tribulation”

The Rapture is the event before the apocalypse when all deserving Christians are taken up to heaven, leaving the unworthy to suffer on Earth. It is to come without warning, with good Christians instantly disappearing no matter what they may doing, like flying a planeload of pagans to Las Vegas.

The thing is, the Rapture already came and went on 3 September 2002. As far as records show, only 5 people were taken worldwide. Surprisingly, evidence seems to show that a zoo aardvark who was not thought to be particularly religious was also taken, as was a telephone pole and half a case of breath mints. So, how's it feel, loser?