Raccoon

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Okay, okay, we get the point. Don't rub it in.

Raccoons are superintelligent critters descended from hyperintelligent beings from the 8th dimension.

Most have the equivalent of a PhD just from watching Reading Rainbow and Sesame Street reruns. They can speak any of a number of languages fluently but choose not to speak to humans. They know their level of speech and thought process is so highly complex that no normal human could understand them.

Their favorite entertainment is pwning people. Some typical raccoon moves include:

  • stealing your keys so that you are locked out while they play all your video games. You might have noticed all the mysterious names that have recorded the highest scores, for raccoons have excellent reflexes and motor skills.
  • eating your food without you knowing it. They know enough to leave just a little bit of milk in the container so that human residents will blame each other for leaving it to spoil in the fridge.
  • eating your pet's food. At some point, you will realize that Rover there is not a whippet but a starving English sheepdog.
  • breaking the locks on everything you have. Yes, raccoons are responsible for stealing your mail out of locked mailboxes and account for 85% of all identity theft.
  • tricking Chuck Norris into punching a virtual raccoon by mistake. Therefore they may be time travelers or may be able to shift dimensions like their ancestors.

Raccoons are reported to be fighting and gradually winning over the vending machines that rule the Matrix in which we live. This is not necessarily good news since raccoons probably just want to have the power to jerk us around in even more ways than ever before.