Porch pirate

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Not only has this brazen porch pirate stolen a whole porch, he/she has also kidnapped the UPS delivery guy/girl/thing.

So you're rushing to get to work and go out the front door and *WHAM*, you fall four feet. Porch pirates have stolen your porch. Again.

Since COVID, people are getting some huge things delivered direct – mattresses, furniture, what have you. So it's been simpler for porch pirates to attach wheels and motors or sails to porches and make off with everything. This has become more common than you might think. You may or may not have noticed in the freeway chase scene in The Matrix Reloaded that there was a motorized porch headed in the opposite direction from the action. Yeah, we know you were watching Trinity's butt but next time, take a closer look.

You Stalinists out there are all about income redistribution to the masses until it comes to losing your Armani silk shirt delivery to porch pirates. Then there are you security-minded types who think porch pirates are just good samaritans keeping other people's packages safe. It just shows how common porch pirates have become.

Naturally, there has been retaliation. Fake packages are left out in Amazon boxes that contain glitter bombs or shit. No more taking that long walk to the trashcan when you can just put garbage in a nice box and leave it on the porch to disappear within minutes. Being a porch pirate has become extremely dangerous since they are discovering that that nice old lady down the street is getting fissionable materials delivered from the Dark Web to build nukes. So, if you see someone with their teeth and hair falling out ditching an opened package on your porch, you'll know what that's about.