"Welcome to the tent of Maleva, my child. I see you are troubled with a heavy heart about... popcorn?"
"Madame Maleva knows all and sees all! But also, she vas told by ze Psychedelic Magician that you had texted him about zome problem, but he vas unable to see you since he vas on vacation far, far away. So you have come to see Maleva instead. By ze vay, you can stop looking around frantically. I am ze little woman down here if you would only tilt your head downwards a little."
"Sit down in front of the crystal ball on the table and I vill try to help you. Ze consultation vill be $50; I accept PayPal."
"Anything, anything! Just please help me!" said the young woman as she paid Maleva.
"Okay, okay, just turn it down a notch, my child. Now tell me vhat you see in ze crystal ball."
"Concentrate, my dear! You must concentrate on popcorn! Zat is your current problem, yes?"
"Okayokayokay. Now I'm seeing someone in a kitchen. It's me! In my kitchen! I'm making popcorn. It's done now and I'm test tasting it. I'm making a face and dumping it all in the trash. Now everything has gone black. This is what happens every time. I just can't make popcorn, I'm afraid." She began to sob quietly.
"Turn off the vaterworks, my child. Your tears are wasted as zis is not being recorded for ze Lifetime Channel. Madame Maleva has been vatching, too, and sees vhat your problem is. Now listen! Vhat do you hear?"
"A werewolf howling in the distance?"
"You got da wrong movie, kid. Try again."
In the quiet of the countryside, she could hear a sizzling noise. And then a single POP. Then another. Then still more until there was a constant string of pops. Popcorn was being made! The young woman stared as the crystal ball filled up with popcorn. Madame Maleva pulled the crystal ball off its base and turned it upside down.
"You vant butter?"
"Now my child, try zome. Just don't vipe your greasy paws on the tablecloth. I've got napkins over zair."
She did as told. "This popcorn came out great! How...?"
"First, if you do not like chewy popcorn, you should leave ze lid ajar to let ze steam escape. Further, you should not leave ze lid on and go off and play vith your phone for a half an hour. It just gets soggy and worse.
Maleva filled a large bag of popcorn for the young woman and told her, "The vay you valked vas thorny, through no fault of your own. But as ze rain enters ze soil; ze river enters ze sea, so tears run to a predestined end." With that, the happy woman thanked her and drove off.
Maleva stood outside her tent thinking that, oyoyoy, it sure was the time of the full moon. It was then she saw what had passed the young woman's Honda and was headed toward Madame Maleva: a Teletubby riding a scooter.