Penglish uprising

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“Green and pleasant land, my ass. That's just algae.”

~ Emperor Hadrian

The Penglish uprising was caused by a now-extinct species of penguin living on the coastal areas of what is now the United Kingdom.

They are thought to have originated at the same time British coral reefs were growing into the lush havens for fish they are today, about 3000 BC. After a long history of egg theft by seagulls, penguins entered into a defence pact with several British tribes of humans. The latter had similar problems with gulls stealing chips (Am:french fries) out of their hands while on holiday at Brighton and other beach spots. Thus, Penglish were thoroughly integrated with human society by about 200 BC.

With the arrival of the Romans in 43 AD, the Penglish were wary but soon accepted them and began trading fish for other goods as did several human tribes. The Roman sauce known as garam, made from fermented fish, was a Penglish favorite. However, as Roman merchants kept diluting garam and raising the price, the birds started a boycott. This angered the Romans, who now lost a major supply of fish to make garam. A similar thing was happening to Penglish allies like the Iceni, led by Boudicca. They were outraged that Roman Jiffy Lube franchises were overcharging for chariot oil changes and also charging for unneccessary work. The Iceni finally revolted in 61 AD with the Penglish following suit. As the Iceni swept through England and went on to destroy Londinium, the Penglish were disrupting bingo games and destroying fruit machines (Am: slot machines) at seaside resorts. The latter was too much for the Romans, who reorganized and struck back. The Iceni were massacred, but the Penglish took to the sea, deciding to migrate elsewhere.

A huge mass of Penglish refugees braved high seas and ice for many months. When they reached dry land, they found themselves back in Cornwall, somehow missing every continent on their journey. Unfortunately, the Roman army was waiting for them and the Penglish were wiped out. So while you might see something that looks like a penguin with a brolly (Am.: umbrella) held in its flipper, the Penglish are no more.

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