Passing a kidney stone

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A swift kick to the crotch will usually distract someone from the pain of having a kidney stone.
Announcer guy: Hey viewers, guess what time it is?
IIIIITTS TIIIIME FOOOOR...
PASSING A KIDNEY STONE!! YES, PASSING A KIDNEY STONE!! Theoneandonlygameshowwhereifyoucanpissit, YOOOOU CAN WIN IT!!

(host Chuck jumps on stage)

Chuck: Hey guys! and welcome toooo Passing a Kidney Stone! I'm your host, Kidney Stone!!

(host laughs)

I'm only joking. BUT THAT'S NOT MY NAME EITHER!!! MY NAME'S CHUCK!!!!!

(audience laughs)

Chuck: AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET OUR CONTESTANTS!! Hello contestant number one. What is your name?
Contestant #1: Chuck.
Chuck: THAT'S MY NAME TOO!!!

(audience laughs)

Chuck: Why don't I just call you Wiener?. Are you okay with that, Wiener?
Wiener: Well...
Chuck: HE SAYS YES!!

(audience laughs)

Chuck: All-righty then! Moooving on to contestant number two. How are you doing today contestant number two?
Contestant #2: I'm trying to pass a kidney stone. How do you think I am?
Chuck: Well, it looks like you've come to the right place! Whaddayou say, folks?

(audience applause)

Chuck: Just don't jump the gun and start without the the rest of us, okay?

(audience laughs)

Chuck: That brings us to contestant #3! Hello and welcome! Are you ready to play?
Contestant #3: YEEEEARRGH!

(audience laughs)

Chuck: Well, it sure sounds like it!
Contestant #3: Owwwwwww. YEEEEEWOWWWWWWW!
Chuck: Well, thank you for that, Mr. Pain!

(audience laughs)

Chuck: Alrighty now! Contestants, follow me out through the studio doors to Disneyland's Tomorrowland Raceway!

(camera view changes to outdoors)

Mr. Pain, you'll have to crawl a liiiiittle faster than that!

(audience laughs again)

Here on the recetrack we're meeting our very special guest, auto racing great Juan Manuel Fangio, or at least his ghost. Do you have a few words for our viewers out there, Juan?
Fangio: Buuuuuuu!
Chuck: Okaaaaay! Contestants, pick a car and let's play PASSING A KIDNEY STONE!
Announcer guy: The rules are simple. Our special guest Juan Fangio is dressed as a kidney stone. The first contestant to pass him wins! And the winner gets a free shock wave lithotripsy! How about that?!

(audience cheers)

Chuck: Everyone ready? AND THEY'RE OFF!
Contestant #3, Mr. Pain, is making his move right away and... he's not using his turn signals and Fangio is just ignoring him! Meanwhile, Wiener is trying to pass him on the right! Is that even possible with his car completely out of the trackway? And contestant #2 is going to try to go right over the top of Fangio, a standard technique for any American driver.
Uh-oh! Mr. Pain tried to bull his way in but Fangio cleverly and quickly accelerated and Mr. Pain crashed into the other two contestants! It's the fiery crash you've all been hoping for, which is why all the cars have been rigged with napalm! Let's see that totally dumb move again on instant replay. And again. And again and again and again and again and again.
Awwwww, it looks like we have no winners today except for our audience.

(audience cheers and applauds)

But our contestants will receive some lovely parting gifts including a ride to the nearest emergency room. Meanwhile, drink no fluids and join us next week again for:
Audience: Passing! A! Kidney! Stone!