Muggle quidditch

From Wackypedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
OMG, they actually did it. Will this madness never end?

Muggle quidditch is the new sport sweeping the world. Please stop it. You are embarassing the human race in front of our reptilian alien overlords.

In case you need a reminder, quidditch is the broom-riding game played in the Harry Potter franchise. Why it is held in a stadium is anyone's guess since players can go just about anywhere. And muggles are non-magical people, which is everyone except for about six people on Earth. One of those magical folks works on the 33rd floor of the building where I work. But it looks like she'd never be allowed to touch a broom much less play quidditch. I know this from the times I disguised myself as a window washer to spy on her.

Anyway, muggle quidditch was invented by Harry Potter LARPers who were running around like idiots with brooms between their legs. Several of them crashed head-on into each other, causing major concussions. The resulting fuzzy thinking led them to create a game that could be played without having to actually fly. Its rules closely match that of the Harry Potter game. That is, except for the flying part, which was what we thought was the whole point:

  • Everyone runs around with a broom between their legs at all times. Not only is extreme chafing a given, but crotch splinters become a major hazard. And everyone can't just use a broom from the supermarket, but heavily customized Harry Potter designs costing thousands. However, those allow players to give a crippling jab to the crotch or gut of another player.
  • Only 4 balls are allowed in muggle quidditch as in the fictional game. Therefore, all male players must be castrated beforehand.
  • The snitch, the high scoring ball of the game, is represented by a human. This is usually played by a 7-year-old tanked up on sugary treats and meth and who is then told the players are all Pedo Bears. In US red states, that kid is not allowed to carry their personal automatic weapon, making for a lot of panicked screaming. Bring earbuds and only play with your phone like all attendees at quidditch matches.
  • Whereas American football, lacrosse, ice hockey and other field sports require helmets and pads, muggle quidditch is a beloved free-for-all like rugby where blood and bodies are expected by bloodthirsty crowds.
  • There are codified rules and official leagues for muggle quidditch in order to drain all the fun out of the game. No matter, since everyone including officials are brain dead due to repeated concussions.
  • At the end of a game, all surviving players are expected to sweep out the grandstands.

While you remove those crotch splinters, read[edit]