Ice

From Wackypedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

One cold day I saw a puddle of black ice. I ran to its house to see whether it had a doorway, but I couldn't find its house, so I ran back to the creaky gates of the house next door to inquire as to who this ice was and where it actually lived. I received no response, and so I proceeded to slip on said ice and fall into a hole. This hole turned out too deep for my liking, and it was far too humid within it, so I shouted to the ice above me to pull me out. When I once again received no response, I swore an oath to kill this evil ice once I found a way out of my hole.

The ice did not seem to mind, as it said nothing back to me. I furiously began to dig at the sides of my hole in an effort to get out. However, the hole only seemed to expand sideways when I did this, and I sat down, exhausted and hateful of the evil ice which waited above. I was sure it had every intention of killing me, as I now did of it. I tried to climb out of the half-metre-deep hole and at last succeeded in emerging. I then kicked the ice to try and kill it, but it somehow remained undamaged and made me fall again. I was in the hole once more. Despairing and hateful of the malevolent presence which plotted my demise, I lay down and fell asleep, hoping that the next morning I would be able to crawl out of the hole and at last slay the ice.

The next morning was an intensely warm one. I stood up in my hole to find that the vile ice was quickly vanishing. It must have been destroyed by its own evil! I rejoiced with a loud Whoop. Now I only had to find a way out of the hole. Eventually, I discovered that I could construct a ramp of dirt to escape. This immense feat took me the whole of the next twenty days.

When I had finished my ramp, it was another cold day. I woke to find that my worst fears had been realized- the ice had re-formed! I was terrified. It had to have been lying in wait and hiding until I found a way to emerge so that it could trap me once I escaped. I decided that I would have to blind it to get out with my life. To this end, I picked up handfuls of dirt and flung them at the ice’s eyes before suddenly realizing that I didn’t know where the ice’s eyes were. I asked it, but it didn’t answer, so I gave up trying to blind it.

I thought of a different plan and charged at the ice, yelling, in the hopes of intimidating it. To my horror, the ice did not move, and once again tried to kill me, sending me sliding back down into the hole when I stepped on it. I fell to the ground at the bottom of the hole, wishing that this deadly game would only end, that I could escape alive. I wept for a long time before falling asleep.

The next day was another warm one. I took a cautious glance at the place where the ice had been, but I found that it had vanished again! I immediately began to survey my surroundings to find where it might have hidden, but I could not see it. However, I then noticed that my ramp had collapsed and I had to build a new one. After ten days, I had finished its construction, though this ramp was made much more poorly than its predecessor. I had not seen the ice for all this time, so I decided to run for it. I ran as fast as I could out of that hole and away from where I knew the ice had to be hiding.

To my surprise, it did not ambush me, and I suddenly realized that I had septicemia. I ran to a hospital and got put in the emergency room. The doctors said that it was because I had not used the bathroom for over thirty days, but I know what it truly was: the curse of the ice.