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“What's the difference between an Uber driver and an ISIS car bomber?”

“ISIS bombers use their turn signals.”

~ Hafez Assad

Hi everyone! Welcome to ISIS and thanks for coming to your first orientation meeting. Good to see everyone wearing their face covering. Hey kid! We're all outlaws here and not sharifs, so go put on a kerchief. Thanks. Now I think all of you have reviewed your printed materials so we don't need to go over that. Any questions about that? No? Okay, I'll continue, then.

We start off with taking you through our carefully designed and tested gun safety protocol. Certainly nothing like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, amirite? Hahahaha. But seriously folks, it's really important that you follow gun safety procedures at ISIS. So listen carefully:

Got it? Good!

Now some Crusaders have said that we are a pyramid scheme like Amway or Shaklee. A lie! We are a multilevel marketing company with a service component, nothing more. We do have great incentives for those who involve themselves in bringing in new recruits. Yes, you can rise in the organization with a little extra hard work while earning yourself extra bullets, a house, a wife, even kids. Your orientation packet gives details on how you can earn these things by bringing in as few as 5 true believers.

Neither are we like Uber or Lyft. We are a true ride sharing company with great, dare I say heavenly incentives. And it's so easy! Just remember to record your trip by pushing the little red button on the dashboard when you drop off your fare among the infidels.

Now go out there and start distributing those free sample bullets!