HowTo:Use your new phone

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Lizard claw on phone.jpg

Okay, you've unboxed your new phone on YouTube. Now what?

Turn it on. All kinds of trippy things will flash by with all kinds of interesting sounds. If the phone starts to smoke and bursts into flame, return it.

Now, turn it over to your 11-year-old kid sister or brother that you have blackmailed into helping you do the setup. Make sure you pretend to watch them so they don't brick the phone or set up secret passwords that only they will know. If you don't have a sibling, kidnap or borrow one. Do it yourself? AHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAAHAHAHAAAA. Be realistic. Follow the instructions? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Cheez.

You could take it back to the mobile store. Make sure your practice your sad face before you go and maybe put on a bandage and eyepatch to get the maximum sympathy. Then, maybe just maybe, they'll help you set it up. It may come down to a trip behind the mall, so you will need to bring along some rubbers and K-Y Jelly, just in case.

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from the depths of Happycat's toy box.

All set up? Okay, connect to the net. Then:

  • swipe
  • swipe
  • swipe again
  • swipe again
  • swipe some more

Just about now, the grease in your hands will cause the phone to slip and fall to the floor. Pick it up carefully, because you will find you shattered the glass front. What now?

Go and buy a new, more expensive phone, of course! The one you had is already obsolete, anyway.