HowTo:Use an escalator

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You might have forgotten how you got where you are now. After all, that was one hell of an reaction video that you were watching on your phone. In any case, you look around and find you are on an upper floor of some building and probably want to go to another. Stairs? Nope, stairs are for peons. The elevator? Probably broken as they usually are. So there the thing you've heard about making a rumbling noise nearby. You moonwalk over to it and you are confronted by what you've been told is an escalator. Now what do you do?

There are never any instructions for these damn things. It's just like the time when you found the car keys and went driving with your little brother working the pedals. And nobody would have found out if you hadn't run into the house across the street at 60 mph (100 kph). So don't bother looking for any escalator keys left lying around. I know that because I've looked and looked hard, even though there's a keyhole somewhere in it. No horn, either.

Now, if you were Paris Hilton, your armed security would know what to do. If you're not and assunimg you can read unlike Paris, then use this tried and true 5 step method. Have Mommy pin these instructions on your shirt or blouse so you'll always have them handy. Just ask her nicely not to use the pin with its pointy side inward this time.

So, look sharp! Be sharp! A pencil sharpener might help, maybe.

HowTo for beginners

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This article is just one of many
from the depths of Happycat's toy box.

  • There are moving steps! Time your step carefully. just ignore the 40 or 50 people waiting behind you.
  • Block the entire width of the step. It's yours, at least for now. You've seen roller derby, so give anyone who tries to pass you a hip check.
  • Do not hold the handrail. That is for sissies and parking your used chewing gum.
  • When arriving at the end, note where the stairs disappear. That is where you can be sucked in and crushed into a pancake. So ALWAYS hop over that spot.
  • Now carefully orient yourself to your new surroundings. Don't mind the 50 or so people piling up behind you. It helps to be 300 lbs. (1000 stone) to be able to do this.