It is truly important to be able to look out your back window and be able to tell the difference between Bigfoot, the gardener or a squirrel. Here's how to do it. After all, there's no sense in wasting good ammunition when you don't need to.
- The critter in question must be A) big and B) have big feet. This disqualifies Hobbits and hedgehogs, in most cases.
- With your all-important tinfoil hat on, are you seeing one or more UFOs overhead? If so, it's definitely Bigfoot and not the UPS guy.
- Bigfoot has a characteristic strong and terrible smell. If you encounter a critter that's black with a big white stripe or stripes down its back, that's not Bigfoot. It's known as a skonk. Know your animules and their stinks, particularly the Eastern Bulgarian Fart Beast. That thing is pretty bad in its own right and still thinks the Cold War is still on. Pitiful.
- Are you in the Himalaya Mountains? That's not Bigfoot, but a Yeti. It is so fast that, yes, all your climbing and survival gear has already been stolen. Sucks to be you.
- Is your camera, phone camera or art pencils and tablet unworkable? That's sure enough a sign that you are seeing Bigfoot.
- Did you just watch Star Wars: A New Hope? You probably are confusing wookies with Bigfoot. Don't be so cheap next time and don't buy those drugs that keep giving you flashbacks.
So, what now? If you've positively identified what is in front of you as being Bigfoot, we have one recommendation:
Run like hell!!!
screaming like a little girl is totally optional