HowTo:Detect a changeling
Have you looked in on your sleeping baby and wondered why it didn't really look like you? Have you ever walked in to the baby's room and found demons surrounding the crib and paying it homage? Has the Winnie the Pooh mobile above your baby's crib been mysteriously replaced by dismembered body parts hanging by intestines? Then you just might have a changeling on your hands.
Fairies, elves, pixies and magic supermarket checkers can swap something supernatural disguised as human babies. Some sources think they take them because the human baby is beautiful and can be entered into toddler beauty pageants in a few short years. Others think they kidnap babies so they can raise the latter as their own and have something to shame, nag and bully while the supernaturals become old and cranky. Fairies get the replacements from the babies of demons, themselves replaced by groundhogs or elaborate origami animals.
Look for these additional telltale signs:
- eating or drinking more than normal amounts. Anything over 40 gallons of milk or formula a day is suspicious. 666 gallons is definitely a bad sign.
- having horns. You should check closely since your genuine baby may just be wearing a fake Viking helmet.
- guests mysteriously disappearing when left alone with the baby. Of course, a dirty diaper will cause people to leap out of second story windows to get away.
- fangs over six inches (15 cm) long and more than three in number.
- being quiet and never screaming its lungs out the minute you fall asleep. Loud gutteral roars like a dinosaur from Jurassic Park coming from your baby is normal.
- a dimensional gateway opening in the baby's room with demons constantly helping themselves to coffee, tea and snacks in the kitchen.
Of course, all these signs don't mean anything if you are a demon yourself. In rare cases, your baby will be swapped with a lemon meringue pie. In which case, just eat the pie before it goes bad.
If your supposed baby is a changeling, you can try the following:
- be driven totally insane, at least more so than the average parent of a baby.
- use eggshells instead of pots for cooking and brewing. The changeling will be so surprised it will speak to tell you what an idiot you are and give itself away. This will also make the demon give you its real name so you can turn it in to immigration services.
- beating the crap out of a suspected changeling is no longer recommended. It will fight back supernaturally and could turn you into a frog, then accuse the frog of child abuse. The changeling will nearly always win the suit because, as everyone says, attorneys are in league with the Devil. In addition, lawyers have a 100% win rate against frogs.