HowTo:Deal with doorstep sellers (mad scientist version)

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Known as door-to-door salesmen in America

To the scientific community: beware the doorstep seller!

So there you are, beavering away in your basement, teaching wildebeest how to sing Handel's Messiah or dismembering bodies in order to power your zombie portal machine. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. You go upstairs to answer to find someone on the front stoop wanting to sell you the same encyclopedia that you bought last week or some handy dandy kitchen gizmo that you yourself invented.

To stop these interruptions to your important work, you will have to take measures so that they never reach your front door. Logical, no? The simple measure of putting 50,000 volts through your front gate won't work. Salespeople are already experienced with that kind of thing and wear heavily insulated boots and clothing. Having a large dog in the front yard will not help either as even beginning sellers are taught how to deal with them. This is even if you have genetically modified a poodle into the gigantic three-headed Cerberus of the underworld. Even the old Malayan tiger trap on the front walk doesn't work anymore, with or without tiger.



This article is just one of many
from the depths of Happycat's toy box.

First, make your house look like a crack house, with windows and doors barricaded with wooden boards. This will not stop a veteran salesperson however. Your home undoubtedly already has the look of a decrepit and scary old pile anyway but this is actually an attraction for sellers who assume a wealthy recluse is inside. What to do then?

Merely remove all the doors and windows, even on the second floor. Any salesperson pulling off the wooden boards will find no access. Do NOT replace the doorbell or knocker. You can just use your portable matter transporter to get in and out yourself, making sure you are well away from the house when you are out to prevent being caught just outside the premises.

In rare cases, you will find a doorstop seller still able to get inside. This will be a demonic presence from another dimension working on commission that will not take no for an answer. This is why you should have dimensional portals around your home that will be activated only by magical beings to send them away. They should be automatically activated – do not be tempted to convert your television remote as a control for these, as most mad scientists like you are quite forgetful. You just might accidentally use it to try to turn on the telly and end up sending yourself to god-knows-where.