HowTo:Counterfeit money

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Up until fairly recently, these easy-to-print fakes, along with bottle caps with numbers written on them, were accepted as legal tender in Texas, Alabama and Florida.

We all know how tough things are nowadays. We could all use a little more money, that's for sure. Well, actually, a lot more money. Maybe more like a shit ton of cash, amirite?

Since working for that is completely out of the question (because laziness) there just has to be a way to keep those Amazon packages flowing to your door. We have the answer. And the answer is (Dun Dun DUN!) counterfeiting money! Sure, it's illegal as hell, but the 50 or so million that you are going to make won't affect the economy very much. And you must promise your pets a cut of the profits, otherwise they'll turn you in for sure.

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from the depths of Happycat's toy box.

There are governments out there printing up US bills/banknotes with the latest hi-tech equipment that are really hard to distinguish from genuine ones. You can stand outside the printing plants and wait for a few bills to flutter out from an open door, but that's not going to get you the millions you need and deserve.

Now, this is the US version, but the rules can be easily adapted to your country, even though nobody trusts anything except dollars nowadays. And those are going to be fake more often than not. Hint: Ronald McDonald is NOT on the $100 bill.

  • Forget about using your computer printer or office copy machine to make bills. They are rigged to asplode if you try that. Plus since you're too cheap to print anything in color, a black and white bill will be an immediate tipoff that it's a counterfeit.
  • You have to get the paper exactly right, what with the security strip (if you haven't pulled it out already), foil thingy and watermark. So you need to remove the existing printing from (say) a $20 bill to start. Use your favorite household cleaner. Bullets work, but you have to do it just right. It won't fool the gummint, just the dumb clerk with the dumb pen when you go to spend your forged bill.
  • $100 bills would be suspicious. So you forge $20 bills, right? After all, they're so common, they'll just be taken without any questions. WRONG! Goldfish brains now implanted in cloned store clerk bodies have learned exactly what real ones look like and can magically recognize that scrawny old lady on the $20. Instead, you make something that cannot be recognized by them. And that's a $60 bill. You will say that that doesn't exist, but that's the whole idea. Nobody knows what one looks like and will be afraid of looking like an idiot if they challenge you.
  • Since a $60 bill has never been seen, you can improvise on the design. You are poor because you are an art school graduate and didn't get a degree in accounting where you can steal all you want. You gots plenty of time being out of work and all, so get cracking with the pen and dark green ink. It should take you about 50 hours to make one bill. Pretty good, since that's more than what Disney pays its artists per hour.
Don't forget you need to do a front and back, just in case. Don't be tempted to put a picture of your house on the back. Just sayin'. Then you can use a color copier to make more. Just don't tell the clerk/goldfish at the copy place that you'll pay AFTER you use their machine.