HowTo:Barbecue for foodies

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Don't let propane build up for too long before lighting your barbecue. Just saying.

By now, turducken is old news and deep-fried turkey is passé, especially after burning down your next door neighbor's house. So grilled vegetables in the the latest thing you can try.

HowTo for foodies

Toothy fish.jpg

This article is just one of many
from the depths of Happycat's toy box.

For 8 guests and yourself, you will need:

  • 18-20 large Portobello mushrooms
  • 16 ears of white corn, coverings and tassels removed
  • 2 heads of celery, as fresh as you can get
  • 2 dozen heirloom tomatoes, washed
  • 8 large carrots, peeled and cut into long strips
  • 1 bag of large marshmallows
  • 1 pkg. bamboo skewers
  • Norbert, or whoever is the lowest on the food chain in your group

All this is ready to go at this time. Easy, no?


  • Turn the propane all the way up and touch off your barbecue. Make sure to look and see that there are no low-flying airplanes overhead when you do this.
  • Have Norbert stand about 3 feet (1 m) from the grill. When he starts to smoke but before he bursts completely into flames, your grill is hot enough and you are ready to cook.
  • Have Norbert do the honors and have him tend to half the of each of the above ingredients. His inattention and fiddling will have most of the components shrivel and fall between the spaces in the grill. Norbert may be sobbing with grief at this point, so go over and console him and tell him "no problem" and give him the rest of the vegetables. Naturally, he'll do the same with those and there will be nothing for anyone to eat unless they like ashes and charcoal and exploded tomatoes.
  • Turn down the propane to low. Hand out the skewers and open the bag of marshmallows and let everyone roast their own. Remind any vegans, Jews and Muslims that marshmallows have gelatin made from pigs in them and you will plenty to go around.
  • When everyone has left when the beer has run out, phone in order for a large pizza with everything. You've earned it!

Note how little cleanup there is to deal with unless maybe Norbert has hanged himself from a backyard tree or has accidentally set himself on fire.

Total time spent:

  • 40 minutes