English language

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English is a common term used in pool halls the world over to mean spin.

Gambler's English[edit]

The term "English" is frequently used on TV shows such as Wheel of Fortune, where it's common to hear someone say, "OK enough blathering, English the wheel already!" It's used similarly in casinos in places like Las Vegas, where they English all the roulette wheels roughly once every 3 minutes. The 3 minute delay is timed to be just long enough to allow customers[1] to choose what space to bet on, while not allowing them time to reflect on whether they should be betting at all[2].

As we said, English also is a term used in pool halls, where a ball which is spinning is said to have English on it. This is actually pretty weird, because in England, they don't play pool, they play snooker, and in snooker, nobody ever intentionally spins the ball[3]. So, in a snooker game, a spinning ball is referred to as a "stupid" or a "hahah you're snookered for sure and I win". Why it's called "English" by Americans is consequently something of a mystery.

Vehicular English[edit]

English can be used on other objects as well. In New England (as opposed to Olde Englande) it's common during the snowy months of the year to see people put English on cars on the expressway. This is typically followed by loud crunching noises, flashing lights, sirens, and claim adjusters.

The Planets[edit]

The fact that the planets all have English on them is often taken as proof that God exists, and enjoys an occasional game of billiards[4]. The fact that Venus is spinning sideways is generally taken to indicate God isn't very good at it.

The Sun[edit]

The well known fact that the Sun has multiple English on it[5] is at once inexplicable and yet another demonstration of the miraculous variety of God's plan for Life, the Universe, and Everything.


Nutation is a special kind of wiggle that's exhibited by a gyroscope which is Englishing on a table, and is about to run down and fall off. The Earth also exhibits nutation[7]. The thing that's interesting about nutation is that it only happens when an Englishing body is standing on a solid surface. A blob of rock Englishing along in space all by itself never nutates.

Yet the Earth nutates.

This is proof positive that Galileo was lying. The planets are not spinning through space at all; they're sitting on a celestial tabletop. It's probably a billiards table, but it's hard to tell from our limited point of view on the Earth.

Among the thornier conclusions from this realization is that the entire Southern Hemisphere is a hoax[8].

The question this raises, of course, is what's going to happen when someone comes along to rack up a new game? The simplest answer to that question is probably "I don't know but with any luck I'll be dead before that happens."

  1. Customers in a gambling hall are also called "Marks", in a reference to the evangelist named Mark, who was an inveterate gambler. (As a result of his gambling habit, Mark didn't get along at all with St. Paul, who was well known for being strictly opposed to anything which might be called "fun".)
  2. As previously mentioned, St. Paul would not have approved. He was strongly opposed to all "fun" things, including gambling, sex, pornography, women with hair, women without hair, sex, drugs, sex, and gambling.
  3. The problem is the size of the snooker table. That, and the size of the pockets. An American billiard table is something like 6 feet long and 3 feet wide, with roomy holes for the balls to fall into. A snooker table, on the other hand, is a full 18 feet long and 12 feet wide, with so-called "pockets" which are just a teensy bit smaller than the balls used in the game. Consequently, to sink a ball, the player must have dead-sure aim, and spinning the ball just totally messes that up.
  4. So-called "explanations" involving angular momentum are entirely empirical, and hence actually explain nothing.
  5. Yes it most certainly is well known, and you certainly should know it. Complain to your middle school science teacher if you didn't.
  6. Oh, and now I suppose you're going to complain that nobody ever taught you that word so it shouldn't be used here, are you?
  7. as any high school science teacher could have told you, if you had thought to ask
  8. Testimony from Australians regarding the existence of the Southern Hemisphere should be disregarded, as they're obviously not disinterested parties and hence can't be trusted to be objective.