Enclosed instruction booklet

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Are you sure this is the instruction booklet for the toaster?

Thank you for finally reading the enclosed instruction booklet.

Congratulations on your purchase of the Acme whatever it is you purchased, which will give you many years of pleasurable service unless you fucked up and didn't read this enclosed instruction booklet first. I mean, it's not very heavy reading at all, and would have told you (past tense emphasized) everything you needed to know to take minimal care of your gizmo.

Now that panicked look on your face tells us you are desperately looking for a solution to some problem that is all your own fault. That thing you bought is probably completely engulfed in flames at this point, amirite? So now you go looking for this little booklet you threw in a drawer with a lot of other junk when it's a mite too late, in our opinion. We're not being judgemental, but it's really too late.

If you looked at the front cover, you would have known to buy a fire extinguisher as a matter of course. But you didn't do that did you? Oh noes, couldn't buy a a basic piece of safety equipment after a lifetime of sticking knives into plugged-in toasters and forks into electrical sockets just to see what would happen? And that time spent in the emergency room (A&E if you're a Brit) when you did those things never made you think to come back home and read all your little instruction booklets just in case. And so here we are.

So now that the whole house is on fire, you probably don't know what to do. Get out and call the fire department! No, they don't start fires, they put them out. And the number to call is 9-1-1 (9-9-9 for Brits). And while it is a nice thought that you want you rescue your Acme whatever it is, it is best to leave it and maybe rescue your cat or dog if they haven't already abandoned you to your fate. After all, the neighbors feed them because you forget to feed your pets all the time, so it's not like they are going to try to rescue you.

The Acme Company wishes you a long and happy life but realistically you are going to have to do better than what you're doing to achieve that. We're not trying to be your mom here, just saying.