Dulce Base

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Welcome to New Mexico, the Land of Enchantment!

About us[edit]

Dulce Base has 24-hour valet parking for your convenience.

Dulce Base is a five star resort located just outside Dulce, New Mexico designed with the discriminating Reptoid in mind. It has every amenity that you could possibly expect of a first-class resort. You will be treated like the dominant species of the universe that you are.

It is located on Archuleta Mesa, high above the valley floor allowing a stunning 360 degree view of the beautiful surrounding deserts and allows plenty of warning of any approaching military convoys.

Modern conveniences with the Reptoid in mind[edit]

All rooms are supersized for the comfort of our guests, from the tiniest gecko to Godzilla. All rooms have heat lamps allowing perfect temperature control at all times. Yes, the deserts do get very cold on many nights, but the mesa holds in the day's heat and makes the resort always comfortable. Run by Reptoids for Reptoids, we know what you need to feel your best and can anticipate your every need.

It is THE place to bring the entire family. Bring the eggs, and they will be kept safe and comfortable in our state-of-the-art incubators while you relax and play. The little ones have their own play areas with our trained and certified nannies providing supervision and many games to keep cannibalism to a minimum. Sullen teens can be safely placed in stasis until your stay is over.

The total resort[edit]

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Rock climbing is very popular with over two hundred designated routes ranging from "beginner" to "expert". Claw sharpening stations are found all around the mesa. Experts can take the challenge and free-climb anywhere they choose, and can hunt without a license for any animal they come across. Those will make a tasty snack after a tough trek through the rugged country.

Not the active type? Relax on the many flat basking rocks scattered throughout the resort grounds and the mesa. You may see little puffy clouds but there are no sulfuric acid clouds to worry about here. Just lay out and enjoy the fresh air and striking scenery.

Nearby ranches provide ample opportunity for cattle mutilation. There is no limit ever. No need to use your own saucer or dimensional portal! We provide courtesy chauffeured golf carts at no extra charge to get you there and back. Plus you are given a free cooler to allow you to bring back an eyeball or tongue as a souvenir.


Visits to the nearby town of Dulce will allow you to terrorize its residents and overturn cars and destroy property to your heart's delight. While a few re-enactors are employed by us, most residents are genuinely terrified when you arrive via our free dimensional portal in the middle of downtown. Go right ahead and dismember or eat any townspeople you like. And you can do this every day, since we rebuild all damage nightly and kidnap more humans from elsewhere to provide more and different townspeople for your fun.

A notable dining experience[edit]

Freshness is our watchword.

Our spectacular galaxy-famous buffet has over 250 kinds of rodents for your dining pleasure. If you prefer, table service is available with wait staff able to cater to your every need. And, you can eat them, too! There are many types of frogs and insects available daily on a rotating basis, including locally-sourced types for the connoiseur. Humans are barbecued twice daily. No time? We'll pack a lunch for you or provide room service. And cold snacks are always available in each room's mini-bar at no extra charge.

Book today[edit]

Call or mail us at any time of day at ₪₴-ʐɧɮ. Operators are standing by 37 hours a day, 9 days a week, 433 days a year and can answer any questions you may have and can help you customize your Dulce Mesa experience.

See us also on Facebook and other social media. Check out the blogs by Reptoid celebrities including Mark Zuckerberg and Queen Elizabeth II telling everyone about their Dulce Mesa experiences.