Dead Animal Rights Day

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January 29th is a little known holiday; it is Dead Animal Rights Day. Dead Animal Rights Day is not to be confused with the fictional Weasel Stomping Day. Weasel stomping, though never practiced, is an atrocity. Under no circumstances should you practice this sadistic activity. You will be sued by P.E.T.A.

Dead Animal Rights Day is a holiday that was created so that we may learn that dead animals have feelings too, and that we should be respectful of these feelings. Respecting these feelings is known as post mortem animalia respectus.

History of Dead Animal Rights Day[edit]

Dead Animal Rights Day was created in 1806 by Thomas Jefferson, a notorious kitten huffer, to honor his beloved pet cat, Fido, when it died in the little known purple cat fever of the 1800’s. He buried it in the rose garden of the White House. He immediately dedicated January 29th of every year as Dead Animal Rights Day. While many people celebrated this for the next ten years, few held on to this one-of-a-kind holiday.

Ways to Celebrate[edit]

Dead Animal Rights day has made an outstanding comeback. This year, massive turnout is expected across the country. Read on for ways to celebrate.

Food[edit]

Mini Guinea Haggis is a delicious treat and is great as hors d'œuvres for any occasion.

  1. Polish and sharpen the blades of your ceiling fan.
  2. Once complete, set fan on high and turn on.
  3. Take a guinea pig and chuck it into the fan.
  4. Find the stomach and the liver.
  5. Repeat until obtaining 4 intact stomachs and 4 intact livers.
  6. Mince livers, 1 onion, and 1 garlic clove together.
  7. Sauté in small frying pan with ¼ cup of oats, 1/8 teaspoon of sage, ¼ teaspoon of thyme, until brown. (est. 5-9 minutes, depends on amount of blood on liver)
  8. Cut a small X into each stomach.
  9. Pour mixture into stomach; do not fill completely.
  10. Sew stomach flaps together with clear nylon thread.
  11. Bring 4 cups of water to a boil. Insert stomachs carefully, and simmer 7 minutes or until tender.
  12. Remove, drain, and serve after cooling.

Fashion[edit]

One of the easiest ways to respect dead animals is by wearing them. Here are some high fashion solutions to respecting dead animals. Canary Cadaver Caps, a high fashion hat, are usually yellow, but special editions are made when brown canaries are found. To make your own, follow these simple steps.

  1. Feed a canary a Twinkie. This kills it as well as preserves it so it doesn’t smell too bad.
  2. Coat a hat, preferably puffball or baseball, with an eighth inch of tacky glue.
  3. Pose bird in the center of hat and skillfully arrange feathers on the sides. Let dry overnight.
  4. Put the hat on and become one of the hippest fashioners around.

Gopher Loafers

  1. Locate a plump gopher and feed it milk powder daily to strengthen ribcage. Repeat for a we# ek.
  2. Prepare using steps 1-4 in mini guinea haggis.
  3. Scoop out insides like carving a pumpkin.
  4. After scooping, build a “wall” and “floor” of crazy glue to prevent touching the still warm insides.
  5. Repeat on another gopher to make a pair.

Other Ways[edit]

  1. Hang your dead animal outside as a mailbox flag or holiday wreath. Snakes work the best for this.
  2. Sprinkle your dead animal's cremated ashes on your oatmeal as cinnamon.

What You Can Do To Help the Cause[edit]

DON'T JOIN P.E.T.A.