Great Cthulhu (pronounced fibble snuglom des uhlm) is the co-founder of Microsoft, a strange undersea software corporation that practices non-Euclidean business strategies. Cthulhu's premiere brainchild, the Windows Operating System, has driven countless puny human minds insane with its mad designs, and only Cthulhu's mutant minions can even pronounce the supernaturally horrific language of Windows.
Since Cthulhu was born many times, all of them millions of aeons ago, this section is pointless. It shall suffice to say that Cthulhu was already ancient when the stuff in that plastic container at the back of your fridge was still recognizable. That's old, man.
In high school, Cthulhu wore glasses and got picked on by the preps. Cthulhu acquired a job at K-mart in which he operated the Blue Light Special light. Cthulhu was best known for his hard work ethics and amazing control over his peers. One of Cthulhu's greatest life achievements during modern life was visiting the man in the canoe.
Cthulhu has no later life, because Cthulhu is not alive in the puny biological sense, nor is Cthulhu dead. She is actually a being of cheese, the really smelly kind, and exists as coalesced fungus energy. The Fungi of Yuggoth are planning to sue.
Eating people, trading Pokemon cards, torturing minds with horrific things from beyond the abyss, playing the saxophone, conjuring flying moles, and water skiing.
Ode to Cthulhu
- Our Cthulhu,
- Who art in R'lyeh,
- Unsettling be thy name.
- Thy kingdom's sunk,
- Thy shall be dunk'd,
- til the stars are aligned in heaven.
- Give us this day our shuddering creeps,
- And forgive us our mispronounciations,
- As we forgive those who spell it 'ktulu.'
- Lead us into unspeakable horror,
- And deliver us to evil.
- For thine are the facial tentacles,
- Which will noisily extract my brain,
- Won't that be a treat?