A team consists of three players and a bunch of guys who stand around doing nothing for a while. In the England team, these are known as 'batsmen'. Every so often an animal runs onto the pitch at which point play must continue until the intruder is hit by the ball. Extra runs are awarded according to the animal hit, briefly outlined below:
- Bird: 1 run
- Man with tractor: 3½ runs
- Dog: 5 runs
- Streaker: 50 runs and a huge cheer from the crowd
- Geoff Boycott: automatically win the game
A game ends when the pavilion is out of cucumber sandwiches, usually after lunch on day 2 or just after Mike Gatting's visited.
Cricket, like most sports, should never be played by women. Especially Denice.
- Peter Bowler. He is a batsman.
- The batsman's Holding. The bowler's Willey. Neither of them are homosexual, though one is interested in grasping balls.
- Phil Mustard and Graham Onions.
- Mr. O.F. Time, resident of Lord's Pavilion.
- Henry Blofeld, arch villain and all round evil schemer of cricketing fraternity.
- Phil Tufnell, Blofeld's cat. Heh, cat, geddit?