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You may have been looking for The Conspiracy. If not, you are now!

Don't. Make. Another. Move.

They can see you.

Don't ask me how, you don't want to know. You don't want to know in the least bit. It's all a big conspiracy.

You really wanna know?[edit]

Alright, I'll tell you, but don't be surprised when they come to your house a month later with this whole conversation on playback tape and a pair of electrified nipple twisters in their hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

You see that dadaist picture of a duck-shaped Mona Lisa in the corner, there? Yeah, that's how they see us. They cut out the eyes in the picture and replaced them with robots. Robots that can do just about anything, from recording conversations to firing rocket launchers that fire rockets that explode into other rocket launchers.

What? You don't see a dadaist picture of a duck-shaped Mona Lisa in the corner?

My god, they are even stronger than I thought. They gave the robots invisibility cloaks now. It isn't safe here anymore. Here, put on this tinfoil hat, we need to get to the safe house... PRONTO!


Okay, there's a new problem. They have cameras on outside. I know because I saw several suspicious looking prostitutes. Don't ask how I knew they had cameras on them, if I tell you they will just record all of my secrets of detection, and then I'll be powerless. Then we both die. And you don't want that do you? I know that's what they want. That's exactly what they want.

We're going to have get out of here some other way, then.

How, you ask? I can't tell you how. If I told you how, they'll just follow. I'll have to improvise, you just follow wherever I'm going. Actually, no. Don't follow where I'm going. Go in the exact opposite direction, even if it means going to exactly where they are. If anything, they won't expect it.

At least I hope so.

I'm going to close my eyes and feel around for an exit now. Why aren't you wearing your tinfoil hat? Jesus christ, man, do you want to be Assimilated? I'm not even sure if I can trust you anymore. You might be working for them!

Oh christ, it's what happened with Jebediah all over again! I'm sorry, man, I'm going to have to kill you. No, wait! Come back! I was just kidding! NO! DON'T GO BY THE DOOR! THE PROSTITUTES... I SAY, THE PROSTITUTES!


Tin foil hats on![edit]