Cleratopaskenner the Giant Cashew (Pablo the Pistachio 3)

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"Go away, Palak Paneer" Cleratopaskenner the giant cashew bellowed. "I'm tired of you eating all my girlfriends! I never do that to any of your girlfriends!"

"Yeah, no duh! 'Cause I don't have any girlfriends! You have no idea what it's like to be a pistachio," Palak Paneer argued defensively. "I mean, I don't have the strength and the looks that a cashew has. You know I'd give anything to be like you, Cleratopaskenner."

Alright, everybody. It's time for the magic apricot to come. Now, for those of you that don't know, the magic apricot (his name's Steve, actually) has three magnificent magical powers: he can fly upside-down at a constant rate of fifty-three m.p.h while eating crackers and watching a soap opera, he can rap and hum a melancholy country tune at the same time, and (this is the one you've been waiting for) he can turn any kind of nut into any other kind of nut. And in this case, he's about to turn a pistachio into a giant cashew indentical to Cleratopaskenner . . .

Rewinding . . . "I mean, I don't have the strength and the looks that a cashew has. You know I'd give anything to be like you, Cleratopaskenner. I'd just die to be like you. Then I could date other hot cashews and not just lame pistachios and almonds. I just wish - BOOM!

At that exact split-second, Palak Paneer turned into a giant cashew. Palak Paneer felt a little funny, and the look on Cleratopaskenner's face confirmed that something had happened . . . he looked down and saw a hot nut with a classic c-shape and . . .

HE LEAPED OVER THE STARS . . . (okay, actually, he didn't leap over the stars, but he did attempt to)

After that, Palak Paneer celebrated by watching some Saturday Nut Live and acting a little more nutty than usual . . . which is saying something, considering nuts always act nutty. And so everything was fine until Police Officer Pecan came . . . .

Palak Paneer went to prison, unfortunately, for comitting a violent crime. And Cleratopaskenner, shocked from all the previous life-changing events, had to go to the hospital. The magic apricot was hunted down and killed on the spot by the Almond Army, and of course, when the eggs found out about this, they put it as their top story on the the New Yolk Times.