Chrono Trigger

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A game which must be considered The Best Game of All Time by international law, the sublime Chrono Trigger was developed in 1000 A.D. in Lost Angeles, Wales, Japan. Despite the very high production cost, the game made a measly $368 upon its release, leaving over five million unsold cartridges, creating a dump in a New Mexico desert. Square has made several attempts to make up some money by repackaging shit on the PS1 as "The Return of FFIV" which added some shitty anime gamemovies and the DS as "Chrono Trigger DS: Give Us More Money." which kept those and added a clearly fanon ending. The PS1 port did make considerably more money, but this is mostly due to its inclusion of Final Fantasy 9,473 (known as Final Fantasy IV in Japan).


The results of a crazy old lady and her floating kingdom/lavos who is really just a giant misunderstood grub that wanted to be a porcupine. Unfortunately, while most of the peoples enjoy saving the hobos in 2300, the emo magician didn't really care and was different so he voted against it and cried. In 2012 A.D., the Chrono Trigger was stolen by Karl Rove, who used it to bring about the apocalyptic reign of Lavos.

The Chrono Trigger ended up at the End of Time, where the protagonists face the awkward decision of saving Abraham Lincoln, Oscar Wilde, Benazir Bhutto, Aeris, or one of the protagonists.



Crono would be named Chrono, but the birth certificates in his town only have room for five letters on them. He lives with his mother, a crazy cat lady, in a town in 1000 A.D. He is incapable of speech but makes up for this by gesticulating wildly.


Oh this is original. A princess who doesn’t want to be a princess and dresses up like a common, everyday citizen. She has mental issues and likes to think that she is from the film 'Aladdin'.


Lucca is Crono's only friend. When she grows up, she wants to be an engineer, but she lives in 1000 A.D. so she has to be content with taking care of her ailing mother, whom she somehow mysteriously saves later in the game. Following this event, time paradoxes are created and destroy the universe. She eventually learns Fire magic, but she is still unable to make herself hot or straight.

Oh what really? Okay, apparently she made a time machine, and some laser guns later in the game with a weird 1000 AD. Oh and her genius inventor father made some sunglasses with it. Apparently she doesn't get her intelligence from him.

She has short brown hair, a know what, fuck it. On screen they're just going to appear as vaguely humanoid fuzzy things anyway, and you get a headshot when you hit the Menu. Look, you'll know her when you see her.


Frog is a talking frog who Magus cursed with the form of a frog and a language that nobody understands. He can unfortunately not be named "Kermit" due to the same space limitations that keep Crono named Crono. You can name him whatever you damn well please now that "Chrono Trigger DS: Give Us More Money" is out. He is the bass player in a grunge band that left Seattle for 600 A.D. after Kurt Cobain died.

Oh and after you save the world he goes back in time and tries to fight Magus, irregardless of whether or not he joined the team. The PS clip suggests he was killed. After he understood what was happening with Magus.


Ayla some sort panamourous prehistoric catgirl or other furry. Ayla strong. Ayla be accredited with being worlds first slut. Big honor. Betty act too slow. Man have fight prehistoric lizard men. They no good. They want kill human home. No home mean no furry convention. Ayla have extensive vocabulary but somehow no understanding grammar.

Ayla good. Beating off to Ayla good.


Magus was the most commonly chosen online handle of sixteen-year-old boys and male pagans in 2002. They empathize with his brooding nature, skillful scythe-wielding, and long, flowing hair. He is not an actual Magus despite the game containing actual Magi; it is possible that after discovering time travel, he brought gifts to the baby Jesus so as to take his nickname. He used to be goth but now says the scene just isn't for him anymore. He also has a game-long obsession with his sister, Schala, to the point where the player may start to wonder if he is a hillbilly. Unfortunately Magus, while skilled with a scythe, is totally inept at dueling with a banjo.

Many people mistook him as Piccolo and ...wait...why? He don't have green-skin!! Those people are stupid, fat, and usually mildly retarded.

(This next part is actually true) Anyway he's actually got cool magic and stuff, and his storyline is fairly complex, apparently he had a psycho power hungry mother who threw him into the future, which was actually the Middle Ages. Somehow he becomes the supreme ruler of a kingdom of monsters, which he gives up to launch a suicide attack against Lavos. Smart move dipshit.

His empire falls under control of this fat green guy named Ozzie, a purple alien fencer guy, and this Transvestite named after the Red Hot Chili Peppers guy. Ozzie doesn't have any cool powers like his two henchmen and is basically a douchebag with a stupid name, His death is just as retarded as he is, it involves a cat and a trap door. (it's true)


Robo is Rick Astley disguised as a robot. Seriously, listen to his theme. He could have been named Robot, but he is not. His original name was Prometheus, but the rights to that name are still owned by the original Greek Prometheus, whose lawsuit in 1999 A.D. claiming Robo had no liver was successful. Plus, the game only allowed five letters (whoever wrote that last sentence is completely fucking retarded. Count the letters in "Prometheus", dipshit.). Depressed, Robo collapsed into a heap of metallic trash until 2300 A.D., when Lucca repaired him and reprogrammed him never to give you up, let you down, run around or desert you, thus successfully Rick-rolling Isaac Asimov. He tried to get the rights to his old name back when he travelled to the prehistoric era, but accidentally inspired Prometheus to make his copyright in the first place, causing a really confusing loop.

Oh, and in the original game, he was also erased from reality when you saved the world. Way to go dick.. Um, apparently he's still exists in the PS1 version. Mind=Blown


Oh my god, no one can tell if Flea is a boy or a girl! How original is that! No one (especially not Final Fantasy V) has ever done that (don't forget that dude from Cowboy Bebop), not even before (Herculine Barbin). Hey, I know how we can resolve this! Maybe someone should go ask it! Heh, heh. Yeah, that's a good idea.

"Flea, are you a boy or a girl?"

Flea: "I... I don't know." *sobs*

Well that was awkward.


Slash is one of the minibosses in Guitar Hero III. He has never been able to make it out from miniboss status --- he is a miniboss in Chrono Trigger, and also appeared in its sequel Velvet Revolver. He was a miniboss on a Michael Jackson record as well, but no one has advanced far enough to see if he is difficult to defeat, as no one wants to play Michael Jackson.


Ozzie was the star of an Emmy Award-winning American reality television show that showcased the difficulties in life for a family of celebrities living in the army of Magus. Despite receiving rave reviews, it was ultimately cancelled due to Lavos engulfing the Earth in flames.

Crono's Father[edit]

Crono's father is a professional leaver. He can leave a room without entering it, and that's exactly what he did to Crono's heart. Left. Departed. Was never there. Is it any wonder he can't speak, really?


Gaspar is one of the three Magi, the computers hidden in the base of NERV. After Shinji turns everything into orange goop, Gaspar takes human form and holds the Chrono Trigger at the End of Time, having chosen to give the Christ child some frankincense instead. Gaspar may also give you the CANOE in Final Fantasy, though he denies this claim. He also vehemently denies being Crono's father, which child he blames on Melchior. Melchior, the Guru of Life, has no comment. He seems to have left this list of characters.


(May contain spoilers, or spoiled containers)

The Millennial Fair[edit]

Crono travels from home to the Guardia Millennial Fair, celebrated, naturally, in the year 1003 (see Millennium for a more complete discussion of the debate over when millennia begin and end). After beating up a singing robot for chump change, he runs into Lucca, whose antics send Marle back in time. Crono and Lucca rescue her, but Crono is still arrested for kidnapping when he returns to his present day, which is kinda funny when you think about it.

Oh, and for some reason, the fair never ends. Either that or the game takes place in one day.

The Trial[edit]

This segment is designed to teach children about today's flawed judicial system. The trial, of course is rigged; even by answering all of the questions correctly Crono cannot escape being jailed. The media blame this on Crono's lack of a male role model, and alternately use this to rail about the evils of gay marriage, abortion law, and protagonists who don't speak. He breaks out of prison, escapes into the future, and discovers a post-apocalyptic wasteland where your HP and MP are restored but you are still hungry. After racing a robot tricycle, they discover that they need a magic sword to defeat Lavos, and that magic sword needs to be wielded by none other than Frog. Frog has been swallowed by an old lady who had swallowed a spider to catch a fly.

Making The Old Lady Regurgitate Frog[edit]

The characters now go on the Ipecac side quest, where they need to travel into the distant past and find a vile enough beverage to make the old lady regurgitate Frog (as well as a cat, a dog, a cow, and several other animals). They are given this beverage by Ayla, after she loses a drinking contest to Crono who, having grown up without a father, is obviously a seasoned alcoholic.

Party At The Goth Club[edit]

Magus (with Ozzie, Flea, and Slash as an opening band) is performing at a Goth club in 600 A.D. Frog takes the party to break up the concert so that his band will sell more records than Magus's band, but due to a pyrotechnics failure the entire venue is sent hurtling back into pre-history, where it crashes into a

He is totally winter-born.

Ayla is trying to host the world's first furry convention, but some lizard men read about it in her LiveJournal and try to crash the party. They take over the Earth, and Crono and his friends must help Ayla take them down. Despite their advanced technology and evolution, they are defeated, and that is why dragons have to have their own newsgroup. In exchange for helping with her party, Ayla agrees to come along. They travel to 12,000 B.C., which has an advanced technical level because

Garland Is Trying To Drain Power From Chaos[edit]

Garland is attempting to start a two-thousand year Time Loop by harnessing the power of Chaos. (Wait.. wasn't this orginally done in Final Fantasy 1?! Garland you fucking cheater) Crono and his friends discover this and go on a Class Change quest. After they have finished, Lucca is still not a very useful character, and Garland sends them to the End of Time, where they are told that they can get a Timeship if they can find the Floater Stone. They return to Garland's time, where Chaos is summoned, and

Crono Dies[edit]

...We blame Marle.

Magus Joins The Party[edit]

Magus decides that he is "tired of the scene" and wants to join Frog's grunge band instead. Frog accepts, but only on the condition that Magus get a major HP cut. The two team up to totally out-rock Ozzie, Slash, and Flea. (Lucca plays the drum machine.) They win a Grammy and take up kitten huffing. In the meantime, Marle, Ayla, and Robo embark on the

Quest for the Chrono Trigger[edit]

They climb a tall mountain that is also snowy, or possibly a snowy mountain that is also tall. At the top is Gaspar, who hands over the Chrono Trigger, built from the essence of the Phoenix Down that wasn't used on Aeris. The party goes back in time, saves Crono's life, and returns to the End of Time. Crono does not say so much as Thank You.

The Great Desert Of Side Quests[edit]

Robo takes up gardening and religion while Lucca builds a power suit with which to defeat the Mother Brain. In order to collect missiles, they must travel to Soviet Russia, where the power pop duo of Magus and Frog wows the Russian Beatles fans while Crono makes off with the missiles. To get energy tanks, the party has to go busting ghosts and sucking up ghosts into vacuums. The group also goes to the sea shore, where they find that there is a seashell vending conspiracy. Marle travels back in time to law school so that she can solve the problem, and countersues for enough money to buy infinite healing potions. Lucca shoots out Zebetites and saves her mother from a metroid, and Crono's mother gets more cats. Eventually they get bored and decide to engage in the

Final Battle[edit]

Squall, er, Goku, no, Cloud, wait, Link, uh, Cecil, Zidane, Regis Philbin, Orlando Bloom, Jesus, Oprah, Locke Cole , Auron, Michael Keaton, Chevy Chase, Chuck Norris, Bill Clinton?


leads the party into the lair of Lavos. Epic combat ensues. But...


Velvet Revolver[edit]

In this madcap spinoff, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash try to do enough cocaine to offset enough heroin to keep the bugs living under their skin from taking over New York but still be able to play in concert. Was released in the United States as "Um Jammer Lammy."

Chrono Cross[edit]

The Chrono Cross can be used to prevent one crucifixion. Lucca, who has achieved a doctorate by mail, must find the Chrono Cross in order to bring Jesus, or Kid, back to life, completing the Holy Trinity. Over 30 playable characters vie for the role of Holy Spirit, including a rock star, a mushroom, and Bob Dole.

Chrono Pentacle[edit]

The Chrono Pentacle can be used to prevent one awkward high school student from being excluded by the popular kids. Lucca, Marle, and Magus fight fiercely for the Chrono Pentacle so that they can travel back in time and not have to spend the continuity of the previous games with Crono.

See Also[edit]

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