Christmas

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When Santa Claus franchised his business, a now middle aged mutant desk job turtle took up the offer.

Christmas was invented on December 25th 1962 by St Nick. A.K.A. Santa Claus in honour of his birthday. To celebrate his birthday, he flies around the world, breaking his back going down chimneys (arguably, he is convicted of also breaking into houses, and stealing things and/or makes love to pets), and giving away his stuff. He's a bit of an idiot, he does it every year. Maybe he has nothing better to do - I mean, I bet it gets boring sleeping and feeding all the time. On chips, cold of course, from Iceland.

The Origin Of Christmas. yes, that's a good title.[edit]

When he was less famous, and was travelling abroad, (for his studentiness), he met Christopher Columbus. He then went on a multitude of fantastic adventures with Columbus. Eventually, when they were sailing over the Atlantic Ocean, a very large mallet appeared out of the crows nest, and smushed the whole boat, killing Columbus (of course, it didn't kill Santa, because he used his amazing belly/beard powers, and imploded the whole boat, including the mallet).

And so, Santa sank all the way to the bottom, and almost died of suffocation. He would have died if it were not for the fact that he landed in a large orb of air surrounding Atlantis. He then tricked the ruler of Atlantis, ate his left foot, and stole a flying sledge. He then went to the north pole- in order to escape from the horrible truth- and found a race of hyper-advanced elves. He manipulated the elves by giving them Bell attachments for their Hats, which deleted any original thought from their brains.

Santa then decided to give away billions of insert currency here on presents FOR OTHER PEOPLE. The reason for this may have been that his spleen had the brain of Elmer The Elephant inside it, whom was controlling Santa to do NICE THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE. Eventually, Coca-Cola did a deal with him that would give him loads of money IF he wore a red suit.

What of the elves?[edit]

Santa now gets the elves to do his work by fretining (I know what I said) them to do it or else he will chop off their arms, kick them in the 'things' and force them to watch Teletubbies for 30 hours a day.

The elves now work in the postal service in return for favours.

How he got the reindeer[edit]

Ruldoph, the fugitive caught in an exclusive photo (well, MSPaint) quality CCTV shot.

Santa met Ruldoph while in Atlantis. At this time, Ruldoph was running from the law for urinating in/on public.

Ruldoph agreed to show Santa his reindeer friends on the grounds that he got lots of beer (resulting in an irregular nose colour).

After Ruldoph brought Santa to the mystical land of the reindeer (London Zoo tundra division) Santa got them all to fly by giving them RED BULL.

The reindeers names are: Dasher, Crasher, Mr. T, Tinky Winky, Prancer, Terminator, Killer, Mr Bean, Pikachu, Doner Kebab, Flippy and Darth Vader.

They now live in the North Pole Flying Santa around the world whenever he wants (except the 24th of December - that's their day off).

Interesting facts[edit]

  • Santa is a descendent of Hitler.
  • Santa and Dumbledore are the same people. I mean, have you ever seen them in the same room?
  • Rudolph once tried to take over the world using radioactive hamsters.
  • Santa's cousin is the Grim Reaper.
  • Santa changed his name to Santa Claus, his previous name was Abby Knickers.
  • Santa once went on a killing spree and now he's in prison, he's only allowed out on the night before Christmas.
  • President nixon was resureccted in late 2011 and had the CIA kill santa.