Cheesecake of Doom

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Like all good inventions, the Cheesecake of Doom was created by Some Guy, who sold his soul to Jimmy Buffett in order to invent the greatest cheesecake ever.

When Some Guy first determined that he would create the Ultimate Cheesecake, he used his new Jimmy Buffett-bestowed powers to write the Ultimate Cheesecake Recipe, a text so dangerous and highly valued that it is currently held deep in the heart of the mountain that is the headquarters of the Piemaker’s Guild, who are holding the Recipe hostage so that it does not fall into the wrong hands and destroy the universe, as it so nearly did all those years ago.

Some Guy began the creation of his Recipe. The Cheesecake of Doom took 247 years to construct, and measured 16m tall by 7m wide. Although no eyewitness accounts still exist, it was reputedly very creamy and so irresistibly delicious-looking that it singed the eyeballs of all who viewed it without protective goggles.

When the Great Cheesecake of Doom was finally completed, a great disaster befell the earth. Time itself stopped dead, having been so shocked by the gloriousness of the Cheesecake that it forgot to function. This terrible calamity was finally put right with the intervention of the Piemaker’s Guild, whose supernatural powers of the Pie enabled their agents to work outside of time itself. Although Time was set running again, history itself had been irreparably muddled up and now all of the things that had happened in the 14th century (such as the invention of hydrogen power, oxygen factories, and the evolution of giant psychic flying pies) had now never occurred, a great loss to history as a whole.

At any rate, the Piemaker’s Guild eventually destroyed the Cheesecake of Doom, as it was too awesome an entity to continue to exist. Its inventor, Some Guy, was never seen again; some tales say that his body and soul was absorbed by the Cheesecake of Doom, and others say that he still lives in the great underground dungeons of the Piemaker’s Guild, in a straitjacket, numbed and driven mad by the sheer awesomeness of that which he had created.

The possibility of there ever being another Cheesecake of Doom continues to worry the Piemaker’s Guild, who believe that a New Cheesecake of Doom would cause the entire universe to implode upon itself in sheer awe. This is why they keep the original Recipe safely locked away in their mountain complex; but recently attempts have been made by the deadly evil genius Dr. Maximillian to steal the Recipe and create a Cheesecake powerful enough to rule the world with.

We can only fear and dread this day, for soon it may come, and then the earth will be doomed.

Possible methods of combating Dr. Maximillian's evil minions, the mutant space monkey army, is to either use rational logic (a tough call) or pour barbeque sauce on them.

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