Captain Gargle Saves the Day

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It was an average day. A man by the name of Richard's alarm went off. It was extremely loud. It happened this way every morning. As he did every morning, he hit his alarm violently, crushing it into a fine powder, and ate it. He wrote "Buy a new alarm clock" on the To-Do list on his fridge, the to-do list that was now so long it wrapped itself around the fridge, making it impossible to open, and extended on to the kitchen floor. He wrote "Start doing the things on your list" on the list before going into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

He opened up his drawer, and pulled out a pair of large pliers, and used them to yank each and every one of his teeth out, one at a time. He had to ensure that he had sparkly-white teeth, and the only way to do this was to remove them. He submerged them in white paint, then put them in an oven and heated them to 900 degrees C to ensure that all the bacteria on them were dead. Then, he rinsed them in alcohol, sprayed them with aerosol disinfectant spray, and wiped them with a moist towelette, before cramming them all back into their sockets. This was what he had done every morning for the past 8 years, aside from one morning when he forgot to brush his teeth. It was a rough morning.

He smiled in the mirror, to ensure that his teeth were perfectly straight. Or he would have smiled in the mirror if he actually had one. He didn't. So he smiled at the blank wall where the mirror had once been, and assumed he was looking good. He then sneezed, and one of his teeth flew out, bouncing off the wall and hitting him in the eye.

"My eye." he said. Then he stood there for twenty minutes. Then he realized that getting hit in the eye with his own tooth had actually hurt quite a bit. He started screaming. He immediately ran to his phone to call 9-11. He dialed 9-1-1, and sat there for an hour waiting for the policemen to answer before remembering that the phone wasn't plugged in. He plugged in the phone, and dialed the number again. "What do you want?" said a policeman.

"My tooth is in my eye!!!" screamed Richard.

"That sounds like a job for CAPTAIN GARGLE!!!" bellowed the policeman, and he hung up the phone.


This left Richard feeling totally confused. Then, the tooth abruptly fell out of his eye. He stared at it. It was slightly yellow. This alarmed him. "I spend all this time brushing my teeth every morning," he said, "And they still get yellow? Oh, how awful! Oh, this is terrible! Why do I even bother brushing my teeth? I want my teeth to be sparkly white!!" Then, he saw the toilet. The glorious toilet. The glimmering, sparkly, pearly white toilet. IT was perfect.

He grabbed a gun, and shot the toilet several thousand times, then smashed it with a hammer. He continued to do this, breaking it into ever smaller pieces. His plan was ingenious. He would put pieces of the broken toilet into his mouth in place of teeth. IT was perfect.

Finally, he had it smashed down to reasonably small bits, and he ripped his teeth back out, and put the pieces of toilet in where his teeth had been. They felt strange in his mouth, but he was sure he'd get used to the feeling. Then, he realized he had no toilet. He saw his own teeth lying in a pile on the floor, and said "I know! I'll make a toilet out of them!!!" He immediately set to work.

But just then, the bathroom window shattered, and an obese man wearing a cape flew through the window and crashed onto the bathroom floor.

"Who are you?" asked Richard, spraying bits of porcelain as he said it.


"What do you mean?" asked Richard, perplexed.


"Oh, I see! The police sent you! Yeah, I got the tooth out of my eye on my own. But thanks anyway!"

"WHAAAAT?" screamed Captain Gargle, and he collapsed to the floor in tears.

"What's the matter?"

"I THOUGHT I'D FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!!! You see, I'm a specialized superhero. The only super-deed I'm capable of doing is removing teeth from people's eyes. THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS THAT I ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING!!!"

"This is ridiculous," said Richard, shaking is head.

"Yeah, it really is," said Captain Gargle, shaking his head disapprovingly, "Let's stop."

Richard agreed, and the story ended.