The Call of Cthulhu

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The Call of Cthulhu is a short story by H.P. Lovecraft. Written in 1926, it caused a storm of controversy by being the only horror story to date, no matter how bad, rejected by a publisher. It caused a string of lawsuits involving Lovecraft, Northeastern Bell Telephone Co., Cthulhu cultists, hentai fans and Fred's Plumbing Supply in Saybrook, Connecticut.

The following is the complete story, reprinted with permission by Chtulhu itself.

"Hello, operator. I'd like to place a call to my lawyers, Derleth and Derleth in Boston and… yes, I know it's 45 cents, but I don't have cash with me. No pockets, you see. I do have a calling card, though."

"No, it's not a Northeastern Bell authorization card. It’s an Eldritch Æthercard™. You take those, don't you? Yes, I'll hold while you talk to your supervisor. Just don't put on that stupid music bec… too late. Urgh. Tie a yellow ribbon around you and your accursed family, why don't you."

"Hello, again. Of course I'm still holding. Do you have… keep holding, please? Okay, okay."

"Yes, you're welcome. You take Æthercards, then? Good. The number is plgh, gra, plgh. What? Plgh, like in Plghzaxvw. No lady, I'm not choking. Oh, joking? No I'm not joking, either. What? Okay, get back to your supervisor." *sigh*

"Hello? She gave you a list of translated numbers, great! So plgh… gra… plgh… Got it? Great! Expiration date is infinity. What’s that? No!!! Don’t get your supervisor again!!! Let’s try this, please. Hold down the alt key and type 2,3,6. Did you get a little symbol like an eight lying down. That’s it!"

"Now, the number is… my name? I am Cthulhu, Master of Time and… just, Cthulhu. That’s spelled C… no, not P, C like in Charles. Yes. Then T as in Tom, H as in hotel… sorry, no, that's not a pickup line, lady, calm down… U as in universe, L as in Lincoln, H as in hotel, U as in universe. Got that?"

"Last name? I need no last name. Yes, I understand there is a blank for a last name but… Okay, humor me and just try it without entering a last name and see if it goes through. It did? Good."

"Now the number in Boston is SUperior 4228. Do I need to spell that out? No? Good. So… what? Transferring me to a long distance operator? Wait! No!! I… hello? Hello? Hello? They dropped the call." *sigh*

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