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Bluto, or The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust

The Beginning[edit]

Bluto was born in 1985 to civil rights leader and Mr. November 1976, Alf and prostitute-to-the-stars, Ellen DeGeneres. At the age of five, Bluto was diagnosed with clinical stoutness, and was given a peg-leg to even out his figure. This "radical" medical procedure had profound effects on young Bluto, and prompted him to write his first poem: Peg-leg? More like dumb-mean!. He sent it in to the New York Times as a contestant in their "Tween Angst Poetry Corner Competition". Much to his chagrin, he was runner-up to a little girl who would later grow up to be Edgar Allan Poe. It turned out to be just the thing he needed to spark his creative sparkler.

He wrote 7,893,657,035 words worth of peotry (which at the time was called popetry, by order of Pope Pemplemousse IV) by age 13, and became the first thirteen-year-old with a name starting with the letter "B" to win the Junior Poet's Laureate.

The Drugs[edit]

Bluto reportedly took his first drink of drugs in 1999, at the age of 14. Although he's said to have only drank drugs "socially," experts beleive that he also drank them non-socially and, on several occaisions, anti-socially. He shot his dealer Mickey Mouse (of the Mickey Mouse Spectacular Half-Hour) in the year 2000, and was emprisoned on unrelated charges in 2001. In prison he continued to drink drugs to the point of druggedness, until he was kicked out for lewdness.


In 2004, Bluto began funding the ill fated Watergate. When told of how scandalous it was by a reporter named Jimmy Olsen, Bluto took off his shirt and becan pressing his chest up against him. This was known as the "'04 Manboobery Incident," which Bluto wrote about in his famous accrostic poem "Man-boobs Are For Sharing". This led to Watergate 2, in which President Richard Nixon ate three gold bars.

The Music[edit]

In the year 2011, Bluto founded the psych-rock label Elaphant 6 with the help of his former cellmate Jeff Magnum. He collaborated with many of the label's bands, including The Rock-Me Armadillos, Casa Del Boxeo, The One Eight Hundreds, The One Nine Hundreds, and The Olivia Apple Hotel.

The Suicide[edit]

In 2056, after divorcing Queen Latifa II, Bluto paid NASA to tie him to the space ship Andromeda, and launch him into a black hole. NASA, starstruck, didn't dare refuse.

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