Black Box

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A group of 6 people walked into a room.

"What's that?" asked one of them, pointing at a large table in the center of the room, that had a rather mysterious object on top of it.

"It looks like a box," said a second person, walking up to it, "Fascinating. It's a black box."

"We should try and open it," said a third person, slurping on an ice cream cone and approaching the mysterious box.

The first person grabbed the lid of the box and pulled hard, but it was no use. The box was locked, tightly, with a padlock.

"Damn," said the first person, "It won't open!"

"OH YES IT WILL!" bellowed the fattest of the group, grabbing the lid and pulling extremely hard, but it was no use. He punched the box in frustration, which broke his hand, making him even more frustrated. He took out his frustration by banging his head against the box several times, then collapsing to the ground, unconscious.

"I guess we'll never know what's in the box," said another member in the crowd.

"Oh yes we will! I know exactly what's in the box!" said another, "It's full of candy!"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Because it IS! Obviously! Nobody would just lock a box with nothing in it, so there must be candy in there! I bet that if we believe enough that there is candy in the box, then the box will open for us, and we'll get to eat all of the candy!"

"Don't be foolish, it's got a musical instrument inside," said another man, "And if we keep cool, and work together to get the box open, we'll be able to play beautiful music! We can write a song!"

"Don't be foolish, there's nothing in that box, stop wasting your time," said another person, "It's obviously empty. Completely meaningless. There's nothing in there. No candy. No musical instrument. It's just an empty box."

"I don't think it's any use to try and figure out what's in the box," said another, "It's no use. Since there's no way we can know for sure what's inside the box, we shouldn't bother making foolish guesses that are, after all, nothing but guesses."

"It is NOT nothing but a guess!" screamed the guy who thought it was full of candy, "I BELIEVE there's candy in that box!"

"He's right!" said a woman, "There's candy and money! I can FEEL it! And there's also a little person in there, listening to all we say! If we hold true, we will all get candy! But those of us who refuse to believe," she pointed a finger at the man who thought the box was empty, "Won't get ANY candy! You're gonna get punished!"

"Oh, please!" said the man, "I'm not getting punished. There's nothign in there. Don't be an imbecile."

The fat guy who had knocked himself unconscious stood up. "I bet there are steroids in there," he bellowed, "Enough to make me as big as a car. I could be a one-man football team!" He immediately walked up the box and pressed his mouth against it. "Hey, if there's a person in there listening, please make sure I get more steroids than everyone else. I need them more. Seriously. Thanks dude!"

"There aren't STEROIDS in there, it's a musical instrument!"

"What?" said the fat guy, "A musical instrument? How useless is that? No way man, that's nonsense."

"Come on, guys!" said the guy who didn't think there was any way of knowing what was in the box, "Why are we arguing about something when we have no idea if it's true? Let's forget we found this box and just move on with our daily lives."

"How are we supposed to move on?" bellowed the woman, "There's all kinds of delicious candy in there, just waiting to be eaten!" She turned to the box, and said "Oh, guy who's inside the box, know that I believe in you, and I deserve my fair share of candy when you reveal yourself to us all!"

"There's no candy in there!" said the fat guy, "It's full of steroids!"

"No it isn't, there's a musical instrument! I bet if we sing to it, the box will open!"

The man who believed there was an instrument in the box started singing, and drumming on the box to add a drum beat to his song.

"STOP! STOP!" said the candy guy, "You'll offend the man inside the box! And stop touching the box! Your germs will get inside and taint the candy!"

"The box is EMPTY! This is pointless!"

"NO it ISN'T empty! It's got steroids in it, I KNOW it! I can feel it in my heart! Oh, Box, OPEN! Send forth your steroids so that I might make myself as big as a truck!"

"No, it's got porn in it!" said another person, who hadn't spoken before, "If you prove to the box that you are desperately horny, it will open for you!" He started rubbing his private area against the box.

"STOP! STOP!" screamed the candy woman, "You'll offend the guy inside! You'll frighten him with your sickening ways! And then I won't get my candy, because the box won't open! Get away!"

She shoved the horny gent away from the box. He shoved her back and said, "What good is candy? I want PORN, and I'm SURE that there is porn in there! You people are all wrong, every single one of you! I'M the only one who's right!"

"But how can you know that," said the dude who didn't care much about the box, "All we can have is a best guess, because there's no way of knowing for sure what's in the box. All of your claims are nothing but BELIEFS! Let's look at this scientifically, shall we?"

"NO! YOU'RE WRONG! IT'S GOT STEROIDS IN IT!" screamed the fat guy, plugging his ears.

"The box is EMPTY, you morons! You're all so stupid!" said that other guy, throwing himself between the box and the crowd.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" screamed the music guy, and he punched the non-believer in the head.

"Way to go, music-guy," said the porn guy, "Now get out of my way so I can continue humping the box."

"NO! Blasphemy!" screamed the steroids man, strangling the porn guy.

And so it went for some time, until they were all dead. The room was empty, save for the still locked black box. Then, a man with a mustache came into the room.

"All done with my lunch break!" he said, "Now, I'll just make sure nobody stole the coffin I have on display!"

Then he spotted all the bodies.

"What the hell?" he said. He unlocked the coffin, and stuck all the bodies inside quickly. It was a bit of a tight fit, but it worked out. He then went outside and buried the coffin under an apple tree.


That spring, the apples grew black. Strangely enough, they tasted fantastic.


THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: The Red Sox are totally going to win this year's world series.