Bill Elliott

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bill Elliott, or simply go here.

About Bill Elliott[edit]

Bill Elliott (born around 1954 or 1955 in the backseat of an Oldsmobile somewhere in the South) is the fastest race car driver in the world. He won more races than Tony Stewart, Kyle Petty, Michael Waltrip, and Brian Vickers combined. The only person better than him is Nuck Chorris.

Early life[edit]

As mentioned earlier, Bill Elliott is in his 50s. As a ten year old boy in Georgia, his mommy went into the grocery store to buy some milk. Little did she know his toy baseball bat and his love of cars would get him thrown in jail for a year. He snuck up into the drivers seat of his mom's 1958 Edsel station wagon and hit the gas. He flew down the highway over 100 mph, and therefore his racing career was born. His drunk, stoner dad Reese was a racecar driver, too, but not a successful one. Bill's dad once told him, "If you ain't first, you are last", and Bill put it into practice immediately.

Racing career[edit]

Bill Elliott started racing as a suckish noob like everybody else, not because of a lack of talent, but because he drove a rusty Lada and had the slowest car. Despite this, he outran all of the other suckish noobs and won Rookie of the Year. Twice. He quickly got better than anyone else, even Dale Earnhardt, and won in his first race in a real NASCAR car instead of a little Russian piece of turd, and he soon broke the world speed record in NASCAR.

He drove the Budweiser car, the Coors car, and the Weed car early in his career. He then moved over to his world famous #94 McDonalds car vacated by Kyle Petty after Petty left to feed homeless chldren in Darfur. After hearing about that, Elliott retired and went to Darfur to show that punk Petty how to REALLY feed homeless kids and turned his McDonalds car into an actual McDonalds, but he overfed the homeless children so much that they hid whenever they saw him coming with Big Macs, so he needed a new challenge, so he bought a Dacia Logan, painted it like the McDonalds car, and started racing it. He won the Daytona 500, the Winston Million, and made up a two lap deficit without a caution and won at Talladega despite the fact he drove a pokey old Romanian box of rust in every race. That shows the true superhuman, almost Chuck Norris-like abilities of Bill Elliott.

The only real competition Elliott had was Dale Earnhardt, but when Dale Earnhardt was murdered by Sterling Marlin's silver bullet, Elliott was left to dominate and win every race, which he continues to do today.


Talladega Nights with Ricky Bobby was based on Bill Elliott's life sory, except for the fact Elliott never finished second to a gay French guy.

He also played the stunt double for Anakin Skywalker in Episode 1, except that he wasn't acting.

Acting Credits

  • 2Fast2NASCAR2BillElliott
  • Snakes in the #94 McDonalds/Reeses/Amoco/Super 8 Motels/Enron/Escobar's Crack Palace Ford Thunderbird
  • Car Wars Episode 94: Revenge of the Bill Elliotts

Video Games[edit]

Because Bill Elliott is NASCAR's most popular driver 16 times, he is in lots of Bill Elliott-related video games. These games include

  • Bill Elliott's NASCAR Challenge
  • Bill Elliott's NASCAR Challenge 2
  • NASCAR Thunder 2002
  • NASCAR Thunder 2003
  • NASCAR Thunder 2004
  • NASCAR Thunder 2005
  • NASCAR 06
  • NASCAR 07
  • NASCAR 08
  • Grand Theft NASCAR
  • Need for Speed: Bill Elliott Edition
  • Grand Theft Auto: Talladega