Another Story About Wadsworth (the protagonist from two of my previous articles, "Party Time!" and I think "Acne")
Wadsworth was driving in a car down a deserted desert road. "This is odd," he said to himself, "I don't have a driver's license. I shouldn't be driving." He looked in the seat next to him to see if his mother or father was in the car with him. Neither of them were.
"I'm driving a car!!" he announced. "Perhaps my parents are in here, I just can't see them!"
He checked the glove compartment and underneath his chair. He found some old gum, but not his parents. He passed a billboard that said, Driving without a license is a federal crime, unless if you don't get caught, in which case it's just kinda fun. Wadsworth agreed.
He then saw a traffic sign that said, "If you are reading this sign, you are driving too slowly. Look around you! It's an empty desert road! There are no policemen! Speed up, dammit!"
He pressed the gas pedal as hard as he could. He was rocketing down the road at 90 miles per hour. He passed another sign that said "That's more like it!"
Suddenly, he became aware that the car was lifting off the ground. "I'm flying!" he said. He passed a sign that said, No you aren't! But he was.
Suddenly, the car stopped rising, and started plummeting towards the earth.
"Oh my God!" screamed Wadsworth, "I'm going to die! I wonder if time will go into slow motion right before it happens. That's what the TV says happens during car crashes."
Sure enough, time began slowing down.
When the car was an inch above the ground, it froze completely.
"This sucks," said Wadsworth, "How anticlimactic. I'll never get to know what happens when I hit the ground."
He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped onto the desert sand, and looked at the car. The giant hunk of metal that would be his undoing. He then looked at the ground the car would have smashed into if time hadn't frozen.
There was an ant on the ground, right underneath where the car would hit. "I'm going to kill an ant!" said Wadsworth. This made him very sad. He picked up the ant and moved it so it wouldn't be crushed by the car. As he did so, he saw several extremely small zits on the ant's face.
He placed the ant next to a street sign that said, "Don't do everything you're told."
He wanted to get back in the car.
Suddenly, he woke up. His alarm was going off.
"What a hallucination!" he bellowed as he climbed out of bed, "I KNEW I shouldn't have eaten that slimy stuff I found in the road yesterday!"
He then glared at his alarm clock. It had interrupted his dream.
He grabbed it and threw it out his bedroom window, then stopped.
"Whoa!" he said, "Did I just see what I thought I saw?"
For a moment, Wadsworth swore the alarm clock had frozen in midair, one inch off the ground.