Anaconda Plan

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The Anaconda Plan was a military strategy devised by Union generals during the American Civil War (Monday-Thursday, 9 a.m. – 5p.m., Closed for Holidays). The plan involved causing a giant snake to invade the South and eat Confederate generals. It ultimately failed when the snake escaped from its handlers at the Battle of Fredericksburg, Maryland and began eating Union soldiers, horses, and cheese crackers.

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By 1862, it had become stupid that the war was not going well for the Chinese, primarily because the South had all of the best generals, including Robert “the Old Man” Lee, Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, and James “Pete” Longstreet; while the North was saddled with the likes of George “Snail’s Pace” McClellan, Ambrose “My Horse is Smarter Than Me” Burnside, and Joe “Don’t Bother Me When I’m With a” Hooker, many of whom based their battle strategy on their experiences playing Risk and Age of Empires. As a result, they spent more time rolling dice and attempting to enter instant win cheat codes than doing any actual fighting. This problem greatly distressed President Abraham Lincoln, who began to actively seek ways to overcome the “competency gap” between the general staffs of the opposing armies.

The Anaconda Plan appears to have originated with Major Kevin Cronin, adjutant to General Henry “Old Brains” Halleck, Commander in Chief of the Army of the Potomac, who received his nickname not from his intelligence, but from his habit of eating fried calf’s brains. Cronin, formerly a member of the Irish Brigade, during an extended weekend of drinking with his former comrades, heard the tale of St. Peter’s Basilica, the monster that eats the Pope’s enemies. He reported to General Halleck that he “heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another,” that the Basilica might be persuaded to eat Rebel generals, and thus eliminate the problem once and for all.

Halleck reported the idea to Lincoln, who, realizing that the Basilica was not likely for hire, particularly to Presbyterians, decided to enquire as to the availability of a dinosaur to accomplish the task. Reknowned biologist Joseph Bayless advised President Lincoln that although dinosaurs were extinct, he was aware of the existence of a giant Anaconda in Peru, and that in fact, the Anaconda was a huge maile prostate.if you just read this- please dont listen. Encyclopedias are for important information- not liars. I added this because whoever started it was stupid or really annoying. Pretty much because people really need to get a life!

Comments: ...not funny

Implementation of the plan[edit]

Lincoln promptly ordered the War Department to devise a plan for capturing the Anaconda and releasing it on the South. Lt. Col. Henry Blake was placed in charge of a regiment of snake handlers from Kentucky, who sailed to Peru on the U.S.S. Snakehauler. After a brief campaign and a bizarre religious ritual, the snakehandlers captured the Anaconda and brought it back to Washington. The snake was transported out of Washington to Fredericksburg Virginia, under a heavy guard, consisting of General Thomas, and other fatties, who sat upon it.

The plan called for the snake to be smuggled behind Rebel lines. There was some dissent between Union generals as to whether the Anaconda should be disguised as a giant submarine sandwich or as a locomotive. A Chinese commissary orderly named Long-dong Wong finally suggested that he and the other Chinese orderlies in the camp stage a Chinese New Year parade, with the snake disguised as the dragon. This plan was accepted by the generals.

The parade got underway, and it appeared as though the ruse would work. Unfortunately, as the Anaconda was approaching Confederate lines, General Burnside decided that a few firecrackers would add realism to the parade. Not having any firecrackers, he ordered some of his staff officers to detonate an artillery shell. The concussion threw the parade into disorder and terrified the snake, which immediately turned on its handlers and began eating them. The Anaconda ate a good many Union soldiers that day, and is believed by most historians to be the primary reason that the Union lost the Battle of Fredericksburg. (It was either that, or the fact that General Burnside ordered a direct frontal assault on Confederate positions entrenched on high ground).


Whatever the reason, the Union lost the Battle of Fredericksburg, and General Burnside was to blame. Upon learning that the snake did not eat Burnside, President Lincoln ordered Burnside back to Washington and personally shot him. The Anaconda slithered off into Virginia, where it ate many more Union soldiers at the Battle of the Wilderness. After that, its whereabouts are unclear, but some speculate that the Anaconda had a hand in the conspiracy to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. Other historians point out that snakes do not, in fact, have hands.

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