Alien abduction

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Many aliens (right) are housed in substandard conditions, so provide yours with plenty of oxygen and ammonia. And don't tap on the glass.

Alien abduction must stop!

After all, they have thousands of eggs waiting to be hatched back home at god-knows-where. And even though the US government has been locking them up for years and years, that's no reason why you should, especially since you intend to overthrow the Feds/Illuminati anyway.

After all, how would like it if your spacesuit were sent out for drycleaning and was never returned? And how would you like it if you weren't allowed access to food from White Tower and the Velvet Turtle? Instead, aliens are forced to eat fast food every day, for every meal. How would you like that? Wait. I guess you'd like that a lot. Anyway, just because a few of them came down from space, cut you apart and put you back together without anesthetic, then put a chip in your brain, doesn't mean they all want to do that. Just 98%, give or take. Yes, the "Intel inside" tattoo is painful, but at least you have a current chip version.

So have a heart and think about that poor alien you have locked in your closet mining Bitcoins for you. Lay off the CIA-approved torture and maybe, it would be a little more cooperative. Some chocolate might no be a bad thing for them, either, but check with your slave overseer (the one with the whip) first.