23andme

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With genetic testing, parents can determine if Nerdism is present and if the child can be sold for a good price on the black market. Uh oh.

23andme is a genetic testing service that can tell you if you have a tendency to baldness or mutations, as if a bald head or two bald heads wouldn't tell you that already.

Using the standard spit test, 23andme is able to tell you what can possibly go wrong with you in the future. Therefore, the best possible results that you can get is finding out that you're the child of Reptoids from outer space. Pharmaceutical giant GalactusSmithKlown has hired the company to test doctors and patients for gullibility in order to sell their next round of drugs.

23andme has recently added ancestry results to their tests. So, for example, blacks and whites can find out if they belong to the wrong hate groups and your obnoxious sibling can prove to you that you were actually adopted and not from humans, either.

As the company does not release data, criminals can test themselves without fear. That is, until Redditors or 4channers hack their databases for blackmail purposes.